The right choice versus the popular choice, a familiar story (for me).

There are still so many things I've written down on my physical journal, but I'd like to write about this particular topic first.

While I was chatting with some of my friends online last night about a certain dilemma one of them was going through, I was telling her certain advice that I received quite some time ago. As I was typing the words down on the chat box, I could hear Mommy Val's voice in the words I was putting down. I was echoing the same advice she had given to me.

It was pretty interesting. I actually love it when I learn something from my mentors then get to pass it on to others, and they actually listen because it came from first-hand experience.

I remember a note related to this that I had tucked away in my phone. It was a note about what I was supposed to share with the rest of the scholars during our Saturday training. To backtrack, a handful of us attended Bo Sanchez's Holy Week retreat last year, and each of us was encouraged by Mommy Val to share something we had picked up from the retreat, be it from one of the talks, or one of the shared stories.

Below is part of what I wrote as a guide to what I had shared during the lecture part of our training.

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Being the eldest (in this group) doesn't necessarily mean you already know what's best for you and for everyone. I may be the eldest (here), but I know that I still have a lot to learn, maybe even more than you guys.

On the second day of the retreat, a woman shared about a business deal that she tied up with some of her friends. Some major things fell through due to the screw-ups of one member of the group. Some of her friends wanted to do something, and even encouraged her to do so, but she had decided to do nothing. She had to choose between the right choice and the popular choice.

This woman's story struck me, because I had to face that choice as well, and not even once. There was this one time that I had to cover for people because of petty excuses. Mommy Val always told me to stop covering for them, to stop babying them. In a way, by telling me that in her usual firm and blunt way, she was empowering me, in order to empower them as well. At some point she had even mentioned that trying to do the right thing for everyone would make you the unpopular one.

She had no idea that I was yet to experience that.

The biggest challenge of the same choice was after one big event. Similar things happened. I knew it was too much already. I couldn't cover for them anymore. I had to tell. That was the right thing to do.

But of course, just because I tried to do the right thing doesn't necessarily mean that I was still in the right at that time, because I made that huge stupid mistake by ranting about the situation and posted my rant on social media. Everyone saw it and was furious at me. True, I was trying to do the right thing, which may not be ideal for the others because we weren't on the same page yet, but that didn't mean that I had to act so high and mighty that I would spread it on social media.

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Popular choice versus the right choice.

I'm still continuing to learn this.

And I'm glad I somehow get to share pieces of knowledge or wisdom that I had gained from my mentors.

Thank you.

Push: The Rehearsal and Performance Techniques workshop in retrospect.

"You really need to do a play, Hogi."

Woah.

That was one of the things Sir Dennis had told me Saturday evening, two days after our recital.

So April had come and gone, and so did the Rehearsal and Performance Techniques workshop under Tanghalang Pilipino. We had pulled off a feat, and performed a show in just 18 rehearsals. Amazing.

I first came to the workshop saying that I wanted to see if I can still act, or even if I'm capable of acting at all. The last workshop I had was 4 years ago. I had fun then, yes, and I did quite some effort, but I knew in a way that I was still holding back then.

This year was different. Because I really wanted to see for myself what I can do, I made the effort to be more open, to explore more. I was pretty rusty from not doing it for quite some time, but you'll never know what you can do if you don't jump into action. Re-learn what you had learned once before.

In this most recent talk series at the Feast, the topic was on your X-factor. Your core gift. I still had quite some difficulty discovering my own core gift, but a realization came in the final talk. The discovery and development of your core gift are not sequential, but parallel. Sometimes you won't realize it until you deliver it.

Wow. Interesting.

I thought that my last performance 4 years ago was already pretty OK by me. But as Mommy Val would always reiterate, you're only as good as your last performance. It's not good enough to be complacent. Coming back to the TP workshops, I was telling myself, I can still do better. I just need to be more open, and commit to what I'm doing. Persistence trumps skill, as Sir Dennis had said.

The material we were given was Bienvenido Noriega, Jr.'s Mga Idolong Romantiko. It has a longer title, which was (get ready for this) Aba, ano't nangangamatay itong MGA IDOLONG ROMANTIKO at ilang nakamulatang tampalasang gaya nil sa ISANG DULANG nanunukso't nagpapatawa ngunit bahagya ring SUMUSURI NG LIPUNAN natin, gaya nito? Aba, aba!

Woah, that was a mouthful.

After we had read the text a couple of times, I sort of thought that staging the 3-act play was pretty intimidating. But with the faith I've always had in Sir Dennis, I also thought that we could pull it off... somehow.

Three weeks of script analysis and exercises came. Every evening, after brief warm-ups and improvisation exercises, we settled down to discuss the script, along with scene work, be it with a partner or with a group, or even alone with a monologue. It was fun working together with different people, sharing the scenes and ideas together. It was interesting how we managed to discover something new with the script every day, something that we can explore and play around with. There were some times that I would anticipate that I would go back to being locked into the script, just barreling through, but then I knew that I would get nowhere if I kept that in mind. I had to stop thinking too much. So I did, and I had fun. I was enjoying myself in the workshop more than I had expected.

I was amazed at how far all of us had grown, beginning from day 1 of the workshop. We were all overwhelmed at the thought of pulling off this play, but day by day, we kept at it, and started noticing how much we were discovering more, and how we were even starting to like the play no matter how confused we were from the very start. That was funny, actually. We had learned to love the play.

As usual, Sir Dennis didn't tell us what our roles were until a few days before the recital. But some of us already had an inkling, but he said he'd tell us on the Saturday before our recital (which was 5 days before the show). I remember sometime during the middle of the week when Sir Dennis assigned me the same role for the 2nd time in a row, because he wanted to me to explore more, as he was only seeing me as Hogi when I was doing it the first time. I remembered that that was a Thursday evening. By Friday, after we had done our assigned scenes, we were told to create new biographies on the characters that he assigned to us later that evening. I ended up getting the same character again for the biography assignment. I knew it. As confirmed near the end of our Saturday afternoon class, Sir Dennis had given me the role of Dona Pepita. One of the 3 roles that has the most lines in the play. Oh my.

Of course, I didn't want to let those lines get in the way of this challenge. By then, most, if not all, of us knew a lot about each character, regardless we were assigned to do them or not. That's one of the many things I loved about this class. I knew why Sir Dennis gave the roles only days before the show. Because by then, we already knew the play backwards and forwards. In a way, we already created and made each of the characters real.

After blocking the play quickly on Saturday evening, the two-day break until the next rehearsal on Tuesday wasn't easy. It meant reading and re-reading the script with the spine/objective in mind, re-graphing, finding more new things in the text, and of course, memorizing. My goodness. I know I'm bad at memorizing things, and Dona Pepita's long lines were practically in every 5 or 6 pages. I even resorted to asking Aldo on Monday night if the next evening was a drop script rehearsal, even though he had already told me that it was best to already know my lines, otherwise it would be crazy. It was pretty daunting just looking at those huge chunks, but I knew that I shouldn't let that get to me. Hello, Hogi, you already know this. You're done most of the scenes before, memorized, no less, with a few minor exceptions. Focus!

Tuesday rehearsal was bad. Really bad. Because of one co-actor who obviously didn't study his script, it somehow affected all of us. Some of us clung to our copies, though somewhat just glancing at the lines. Ended up coming early on Wednesday just so I can have some alone time with the script without any distractions, and I must say that things were getting better. We finally had our first run-through on Wednesday evening with costumes, and I guess it was an okay run.

Our first and only tech run was on Thursday afternoon, just hours before the show. As usual, it was sink or swim. So we did. And we actually had a pretty good tech run. It calmed my nerves a bit knowing that. We even had everything in order backstage. As long as I have things respectively in place, I'll be fine. As long as I listen and be in the moment, I'll be fine. As long as I'm enjoying, I really will be fine.

Showtime! After a few words from Sir Dennis, we said a little prayer, then scurried backstage as the house opened. I didn't bother checking my phone anymore for any messages, as it would just distract me from the show. I just double-checked if my costumes and my script were in my area behind the curtain, and then just sat quietly. Interestingly enough, I wasn't as nervous as I had expected. For some reason, even though I was holding my script while sitting backstage, I stopped running my lines through my head anymore. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I just wanted to relax during that remaining half hour before the show began.

From the moment the show began until the very last minute I was there, I was actually enjoying myself. Before, I used to be quite anxious that I couldn't wait to get off that stage. Never mind that there were a few missed lines, no one noticed anyway. We were told that it showed that we were having fun. I was pretty darn glad to hear that. Some people couldn't believe we managed to pull off a full-length 3-act play. But we made it happen.

The best part of it all? The truth? It was the most fun I've had in a very, very long time.

Kath had said she was glad that I went back to my first love. I knew that even during that 4-year break, I still had that twinkle in my eye whenever I talk about theater. It's true, it's still my passion. I couldn't even describe the feeling when Sir Dennis told me after the show that I should keep on performing. It was the best feeling in the world. It feels so good to be back.

Thank you, Sir Dennis, for believing in me, and letting me take on things that challenge me. It may be tough and may drive me crazy every evening, but it was worth it, and I still had fun. You always inspire me to do my best. I look forward to the future because of your class.

Thank you, Aldo, for all the help. Especially on the last minute advice on knowing the script, even though I took on script analysis before you did, hahaha. Hope to perform with you again soon.

And of course, to my RPT classmates, it was quite the exciting ride this entire month of April. Thank you for the shared knowledge, the laughs, the little quirks and crazies, and everything else in between. It was fun sharing the stage with you. May this play be the first of many for us.

Curtains for Mga Idolong Romantiko. But not for my first love, my core gift.

Chalk it up to experience. And fanning the flames.

The photo above was taken in the lobby of the CCP Little Theater last Friday afternoon. For some reason, that blank wall (which is usually used for artwork and other exhibits) somehow reflects what I'm feeling right then. Not entirely blank, but basically a blank slate.

Well, this had been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Just when I decided to focus on just one line of work (instead of juggling two), I immediately found myself restless. The impulsive sanguine in me led me to a path I had once left behind, due to the simple longing of always having some sort of art in my life.

I had already mentioned this in one of my most recent blog entries, but yes, I returned to the TP workshops.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been spending my evenings in the CCP Conference Room once again for the Rehearsal and Performance Techniques workshop class. This year is the fourth time I'm taking the class, and the third time under Sir Dennis. This is one class I would always keep coming back to, no matter how many times I had said before how challenging it always was for me. I always believe that the learning never stops. Anywhere.

Every time I take Sir Dennis' class (including the Actors Company's script analysis class where they let non-AC scholars join), I always feel excited and anxious at the same time. Excited because I'm sure that I will learn a whole lot, yet anxious because there will always be a bunch of things that I wouldn't understand, or couldn't execute or perform as well as my fellow actors could. But like I always keep saying, every time is always a different class, and I'll say this once more, the learning never ends. There will always come a time, sooner or later, I will finally get what Sir Dennis was trying to get us to understand, and I know how he enjoys our eureka moments during those times of enlightenment or realization.

As I had put in this entry's title, maybe we could chalk it up to experience. There were some things discussed in the class that I couldn't understand before that I could finally get now. Certain inhibitions in performing that I once had are now gone. I learned how to explore things even further, to look for more possible options before narrowing things down instead of just staying in your comfort zone. And it's due to experiences I already had in the past that I'm grateful for, without any regrets. Maybe I just wasn't ready back then. I've grown because I've opened up my mind a little more. I'm even grateful for the fact that I had left theater for a while to explore a completely different world, to return also bringing along most, if not all, the things I had learned from taking that path.

Then there was the talk during today's session at The Feast. As the talk series is about the X-factor, which is basically your core gift, today talked about honing that particular gift. To fan the flames of your passion, as they had said.

There was a question that said, "What is one thing that makes you on fire?"

I thought I had lost it. And now I'm beginning to re-discover it.

I thought I could never improve in performing, especially because there are so many actors who are much more talented than I am. I thought that my thought process was way slower than theirs because they can easily grasp what was told while I would just be a sitting duck with a blank face.

So yeah, maybe I wasn't ready for it then. Let's go back to talking about experience. Like Mads had once told Mommy Val (during a very different situation), maybe because some people are on the 100th page, while the rest are still on the 10th page.

And now I just caught up with the ones who had read faster than I did. And I'm so happy with what's been happening. I get surprisingly flattered with the comments I get during our performances in class, and listen intently on the other notes that I get. Every day provides a new challenge, and as Mommy Val keeps quoting, "You're only as good as your last performance." Set the bar higher. There's always room for improvement.

Rosa said on Facebook that I "look like a fish that found her way back to the ocean." She's right about that. I really now do believe that theater really is essential to my happiness.

I came up to my mentor because I didn't have direction then. Now I'm back to where I had left off, and now I'm putting a little more direction instead of just going with the flow.

Keep the fire burning.

*Class photos courtesy of my TP workshop classmates.

Limbo

It's been about a year since I first attended The Feast at PICC, and in more ways than one, especially the most recent ones, the talks have always been spot on.

This was part of what was written on the front page of yesterday's Feast Bulletin:

When a person doesn't know his core gift, it's like he's living in limbo. Note that limbo is not a bad place. But it should just be a stopover. Not knowing your core gift means it's a place of waiting, wondering, searching, and seeking.

But sooner or later, you stumble upon your place in the world, your spot under the sun, your platform in the universe. You discover what special gift you're supposed to give to the world.

At that point, you step out of limbo. And you step into a little bit of heaven on earth. By that, I don't mean that your problems will disappear. (That's why it's just a "little but of heaven on earth".) Actually, the opposite happens--your problems multiply. Because now, you have to develop and deliver your gift to the world.


But knowing your core gift is an amazing experience.

At my age, I'm still discovering my core gift. A couple of years ago, I was even more uncertain about it because I had no direction. With the help of mentors, I somehow knew what to do, but it was all up to me to take action. I knew that my core gift wasn't the performing art of dance, that's for sure, and found that I had a lot of strength in the the English language.

Even as a kid, I was very good in written communication. It was oral communication that was a challenge. Even with my theater training, I still had a lot of inhibitions when it comes to interacting with certain people. Even though I may be a little used to talking to people, there's still that hint of shyness and intimidation.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I had to decide.

I chose a different path from the one was already taking.

And with that different path, there were some things I had left behind. So in a flash, I once again took the opportunity.

One thing about it was because I haven't done this in quite a long time, it takes a little bit of getting used to again. Just as Sir Dennis had said, it's like riding a bicycle. Because I haven't done practiced this consistently, it takes a while to get used to doing it again. But I'm glad I went back on that metaphorical bicycle. I first thought I'd try it to see if I still have it in me. And I guess I still do.

I may be still in limbo, but I still know I can get out of it sometime soon.

Reviving this blog.

Yes, I'm still alive.

Just when I decided to revive this blog, I saw a couple of friends do the same to theirs. *high five*

So anyway, after almost a year of inactivity, it's high time to go back into this. Why, you may ask, did I stop blogging? Mostly it was because of the lack of time. Once I focused on full-time work with the dance fitness company I was part of, I hardly had time to myself, and during the one rest day I have, I catch up on my sleep.

How anti-climatic that after almost exactly 2 years with the company, I decided to resign for personal reasons. Not to be selfish or anything, but it's really time I have to make time for my own self. But don't get me wrong, nothing bad has happened. It was a huge dilemma on my part as I've invested so much on the company, but I believe that I need to do what I believe is best for me. I've learned a lot in terms of knowing my core gifts, as well as knowing more about myself and my attitude, and I'll still bring this with me wherever I go and end up in.

So I'm back to the good old call center job in the mornings, and because I still need art in my life, I re-enrolled in one of Tanghalang Pilipino's summer workshops this summer, Rehearsal and Performance Techniques. I need to see if I still have it in me.

I'm back.

As Sir Dennis had said last night, it's like riding a bicycle again after a very long time. So yes, you still know how to ride it, but it still takes a while in the beginning to get used to it again.

So back to riding the metaphorical bicycle.

A late reflection.

This is my current Facebook status (posted last night):

"God really does close doors to prepare you for brighter triumphs. He made me realize it this afternoon til evening, when I visited a former life I led before. And I saw what I could've become if I kept pursuing that road. He knew I wouldn't survive. Hence, He opened a door that lined up the people and the possibilities for better victories in life, thanks to my Lebran family. Now it's up to me and my 5% to complete the 95% He had already done."

That realization inspired me to write this entry.

For those of you reading this that didn't know, I got to attend Bo Sanchez's 2-day retreat during the Holy Week. Capping the event was a Grand Easter Feast that had 18,000 attendees. It made quite a mark on me, that even until now, I'm still absorbing all the talks and the sharing that we heard in the duration of the retreat, right on until the Easter celebration.

Last Saturday, the Shapers that got to attend the retreat (including me) were asked to share our experiences after that to our entire Lebran family. I have to say that it was pretty emotional for me because what I had to share consisted of experiences within the team about choosing between the right choice and the popular choice.

Anyway, so where was I? So first of all, during one of the talks in the retreat, Bo Sanchez himself talked about the "missing piece" in all of us, about God doing 95% of the work for us, so we only have to give the remaining 5%.

During the Grand Easter feat, he also discussed how God not only opens doors for us, and lines up the people who would help us fulfill our dreams and goals, but He also closes doors in order to save us, and one of the reasons for this was what I had mentioned in the Facebook status I had posted ("to prepare you for brighter triumphs").

I mentioned earlier that I'm still absorbing all the talks that had been discussed, even until today. I was pretty overwhelmed with all the things I've heard because it felt like God was talking to me through all the builders, the speakers, and the sharers, and He knew where to hit me at all the right spots. Kaboom. He keeps on challenging me because I keep thinking about it, and even tested me immediately right after (where I made the wrong choices). It's a never-ending lesson for me, especially now that I have to be a more responsible and mature person in front of the younger teammates I have in Lebran.

Now let's go back to my post on Facebook.

Yesterday, I visited my former world of theatre. I wanted to just drop by, say hi to a few old friends in the production, and maybe hang around with them until the show started. I was then invited to watch the evening show, so I had to stay and wait.

Then I saw the disbursement of allowances/talent fees. I remember that that was always something I looked forward to every week. The amount that I used to get every week was what I now earn per day. Per day.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Realizing that then, and recalling that realization just now made me think, wow, I can do so much more now with what God had provided for me these past couple of years. He opened that door once so we could close the door I went through before. And now He had already prepared everything I needed to fulfill what I'm reaching for. But sometimes (or most of the time?) I'm just too stubborn and full of low-esteem to realize that.

There you go, that's also my missing piece. That's the 5% I need to work on, after that huge 95% chunk He had already laid out for me.

I always remind myself to be grateful. I'm always grateful for everything that has happened since becoming a scholar, then a shaper in Lebran. And now, I also have to learn to fight if I want to keep what I know is for me.

Thank you, Lebran family and also Brother Bo Sanchez for teaching and making me realize all this.

How Lebran helped me shape my life.

Last year, I was just a girl with a pixie cut and thunder thighs, taking as much classes under Lebran DFX (both the dance fitness and technique classes in Latin and standard ballroom) that I can (and sometimes even cannot) afford, out of fascination and recreation.

I envied the scholars because they were so talented in their craft. I wanted to be like them so much that I wanted to be around them all the time, and ended up doing so when I momentarily trained with them for a syllabus ballroom competition.

Exactly a year ago today, I was called to stay after class, and to my surprise I was introduced as a new scholar under Lebran. I got the privilege to attend all the classes I wanted. I was exposed to how hard these young scholars train. They paired up with the paying students as partners in the technique classes, and even took turns leading the Lebran classes in preparation for them to teach their own classes. It impressed me that these kids would prefer to come to the studio instead of spending their time sitting idly at home during the summer vacation.

One big challenge for me as new scholar back then was that even though I was still kind of behind in terms of technique, I even got to learn the man's part of any dance the students had to learn whenever there was a shortage of male scholars for the class. I had to step up and dance the man's part to serve as a partner for the paying female students. It actually gave me a good advantage of learning the steps of the dances, because I got to learn the steps for both the man and woman's part.

Apart from Latin and standard ballroom, we also got to learn other dances as we prep up for shows. So far, I had also learned a few cultural folk dances, contemporary jazz, and even Polynesian and Tahitian dances.

I was also introduced to the business side of Lebran. I learned how the core group worked together to keep the business flowing smoothly and keep things running like clockwork.

One thing very unique about the Lebran family is that our training is very holistic. Saturdays after the usual morning Lebran class is focused on our own training apart from the students' classes. Other than dance training, one of our mentors gives us lectures on personality development. I'm so grateful for this rare privilege to have quality dance training while still keeping our attitudes in check as we learn to be not just good dancers, but great dancers and teachers as well. Believe it, we also had to take and pass certification exams before we were allowed to teach a Lebran class as a Shaper (which is what we call our teachers).

Amazing how passion and dedication can take you where you want. Last year, I was just an aspiring dancer and student who was being teased for my huge thighs. Today, I am now one of the pioneer members of Lebran and a certified Lebran Shaper.

I'm forever grateful for all the opportunities that had come ever since I was taken in by the Lebran team that I now consider a family. I feel so blessed to have mentors like Sir Brando and Mommy Val, along with our other teachers like Teacher Belinda and Kuya Mauw, who encourage us to keep doing our best, to never rest on our laurels, and to keep setting the bar higher. I feel like so much has changed and improved in my life in the span of one year, thanks to them and as well as my fellow core group members and scholars. All of them had taught me in their own way, how to be a better person than I was before.

Lebran isn't just about dancing and exercise. It's a way of life. It's a sign of hope. It's a source of inspiration. It's where passion fuels the goals that can change and improve your life in so many aspects. I thought the scholars were merely there for the training. Yes, but we are being trained, but not just to be dance instructors, but to be great dance teachers, coaches, to be masters of our core-giftedness, and to be inspirations to each and every person who wants to get in shape. Lebran's 3-faceted advocacy (Exercise, Enhance, and Empower) rings true, and I have been witness to that.

Get in shape. Shape a life. Dance Lebran. It will be one of the best choices you will ever make for yourself.