Recent musings. On identity, exploring core gifts and more.

I remember one time during the last week of the Virgin Labfest, when Patsy and I were sitting outside the Conference room, just waiting to watch the staged reading that Tad, Aldo, and Mayen were in, and I shared a thought that came to my mind while I was on my way to CCP that day. Without fail, whenever I come across an old friend from when I used to frequent the place, either because of my involvement in a show, or an involvement with someone, people will always find the opportunity to tease me to that one particular ex-boyfriend. Sometimes no matter what I do, I will always carry the label of "ex-girlfriend" whenever I'm in the area.

To be quite honest, even though I'm totally over it, it's getting really annoying. I mean, don't I have my own identity? Was I just the girlfriend back then? I did work there before, right? I even worked there even before we became an item. Why can't I be know as just that--that I used to work for Labfest and TP? Is it because I'm only memorable as the ex-girlfriend instead of a former ASM or production staff?

I sure wish that I'd be known for something I'm good at. Like... Well, I honestly have no idea, hahaha. Maybe for my recently-improved acting skills (yeah, right)? Or my one-time venture into dancing?

Speaking of dancing, part of me still wants to get back in that. Well, not as much as before. But I just don't want to get rusty.

The other week, I got to go to Dancing Queen in Makati Cinema Square again. Patsy was supposed to have a little ballroom dancing stint at a TV show (which fell through at the last minute) so I wanted to show her some of the dancing that I love. It was actually perfect timing, because Joms, Kim, and some of the other dancers under Sir Leo were there practicing for the national mid-year ranking and competition. It was fun watching them dance around and around that big studio, and it made me miss dancing so much.

It was so funny when Joms offered to dance with me when they were done with simulations. I willingly stood up and he led me in dancing the Bronze syllabus of the slow waltz. A rough start, it took me a few moments to adjust my posture, but after that first two figures, the next ones just came back to me naturally.

That did it. I felt it. I wanted to dance again. Should I take the weekly dance classes they have when it resumes next week? Unfortunately, I don't have my Standard ballroom shoes anymore, so I have to save up for new ones, and I really do prefer a custom-made pair for my feet.

Dancing may not be my core gift, but because it's still something I enjoy doing, I'd still want to keep at it.

While I have yet to discover which one really is my core gift, I've been doing a bit of exploring. I guess this is sort of an improvement for me, because I'm not really much of a risk-taker. The only big risk that I was truly proud of was that venture into dancing, which somehow made me a little braver now.

I suck at auditions. Fear always gets the better of me. Right now, I'm kind of regretting that I didn't take more time reading and memorizing that monologue for that one audition last week, so I ended up flaking out at the very last minute. At least I felt a little better at the audition that followed the next day, even though it was a pretty long shot. I didn't really care. I knew I had no chance of getting any role for that show. I just came to tell myself that I have to stop being so afraid of trying out. And it was already quite an experience just getting to sit inside that room and talk with that director.

I don't have much confidence in singing. But once again, I didn't really want to feel that regret of not trying out, so I went to another audition yesterday where we had to sing. It was comforting that I went there with a familiar face that I could talk to, so I didn't feel as nervous as I should. It was also a relief that I knew and had worked once before with the director, so it was a pretty chill audition when my turn came. We just chatted and laughed, I sang a few bars, and we had another round of laughs before I left. I may not have a great singing voice, but at least I'm making an effort to conquer my fear of auditioning.

I do believe it's about time (and maybe even overdue) to stop hiding in the wings, working as production staff, and start trying and doing what I really want to do.

Well, maybe not all the time. I still kind of have this fear of rejection, hahaha. Oh, stop it, Hogi.

Ah, but I had to say that. As a segue to the next topic, hahaha.

"Dito sa pag-conduct ng random surveys ka talaga masasanay at makakapag-deal with rejection," I once mused one morning in the office. My friend cracked up at this quip and said that it was similar to speed dating.

I have my fair share of rejections. Maybe that's why I'm guarding my heart even more now. I may have that "happy crush" that I enjoy the company of, but I don't think I'd want to deal with another rejection right now. Plus there are so many reasons why I "can't" like him. Sure, maybe those "reasons" may be superficial and I'm just making all them up. But well, I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting confused about what I feel again. Which is why I've been keeping myself silent. If ever he may have an inkling of how I feel because of that one conversation we once had, or if ever he may be reading this, please don't let me know, otherwise I'll be burying myself deep under a rock.

"Naghuhumayskul," I told a friend. Eh ganun eh. Minsan lang ako magkagusto sa tao. I don't want to lose my cool again after all those burns I had last year. Maybe this is just a phase, or because we spend a lot of time together with our friends, and we always have good conversations together.

Really?

I need to figure this out.

OK, musings over.

Writing exercise is over for this post. Let's move forward, shall we?

Back to watching the Labfest this year, plus a teeny comeback.

Ever since my first time watching a Virgin Labfest play during its second season, I was hooked. I enjoyed the fact that there's a festival that celebrates brand new plays that had never been staged before, all to be put to the test in front of an audience to see how it fares.

I was very grateful I got the opportunity to be part of that as a stage manager for 2 seasons in a row (Labfest 3 and 4).

I always found a way to watch at least one set of Labfest plays every year. Until last year, when I was so busy that I couldn't even find the time to even drop by CCP. I got kind of depressed when I didn't get to see any plays last season.

I made up for it this year, and even secured a festival pass to guarantee that I get to watch all of the plays.

Considering I had friends who were involved in the Labfest, I found myself sometimes tagging along with them to rehearsals, or just hanging around CCP. By doing so, I was beginning to miss the flurry of activity all over the place that I used to be a part of.

Anyway, as I had secured a Festival pass, it guaranteed me a seat to all Labfest sets during all of the first week. I was pretty glad that the festival now ran for three weeks instead of the usual two weeks so that they could accommodate more people in the audience.

A whole bunch of us from this past summer's workshop almost always came to watch as a group, and we all had our similar favorites. After watching the day's set of plays, we would chill for a little while longer to talk about what we had seen over dinner. We didn't just watch the featured plays in the Labfest, but we also saw the weekly free staged readings in the Conference room.

I have to say, my favorites in the Labfest this year were Hintayan ng Langit, Si Maria Isabella at ang Guryon ng Mga Tala, and When Sam Met Jo.

I especially liked Hintayan ng Langit because it was simple, no frills, witty, and sincere. Real-life dancing couple Edna Vida and Nonoy Froilan were perfect as two souls waiting to go up to heaven, all the while catching up as ex-lovers before marrying other people. And that ending. Simple, but...kaboom.

Si Maria Isabella at ang Guryon ng Mga Tala was written after the children's story "Kite of Stars." It featured the young talented alumni of PHSA, plus the use of marionettes and shadow puppetry. The story may be a young girl's quest to find things to make a giant kite so she can reach the stars, but beyond the surface reveals love unrequited, even after a 60-year journey.

My goodness, these 2 plays got me in tears that I refused to show.

When Sam Met Jo had a little bit of science fiction to it, as Sam had traveled to the past, exactly during the time that his past self had met fellow scientist Jo to protect themselves from a big accident in the future. It was also witty, with Sam going through Mobius loops just so he can convince Jo of what's to become of them. It was fun to watch, I'll tell you that, but half the time, the use of scientific jargon was a tad forced. Other than that, the play was pretty entertaining.

Anyway, that's my take on 3 of my favorite plays in the Labfest, and I'm glad that two out of three of them made it to next year's Revisted set. Congratulations!

On the last day of the Labfest, the Writing Fellowship showcased the works of its participants that were developed during their two-week workshop, and they got volunteer actors to perform them as staged readings. Patsy, Mark and I had submitted our resumes to volunteers, and they were immediately contacted to perform. I lucked out getting in as well the day before the show, as someone had backed out at the last minute.

So there, on the last Sunday of the Labfest, I was in the freezing Conference room as early as 8 in the morning along with the other chosen volunteer actors, the 10 writers in the fellowship, their mentor Sir Glenn, our director Sir Dennis, and our stage manager Micah. A busy day was ahead of us. We spent the morning reading all the 10 plays out loud so that the writers can hear their work for the first time, and we all shared our comments about each play. I have to say, all the plays were equally brilliant, but I do have my favorites.

After lunch, Sir Dennis started blocking the plays in the order of it was read in the morning. He only announced the actors before each play, so we all waited in anticipation. What was hilarious was that he said that I might get angry because of where he had cast me. I ended up getting the part of Sef, a transgender woman in Maria Paiso's Hanggang Saan? along with Gel, who played my character's ex-girlfriend. I didn't really mind being cast as a transgender woman. It was actually quite an interesting challenge. I was even glad to have good rapport with Gel, even though I had only met her once before. We rehearsed the play on our own a few times while Sir Dennis was still blocking the other plays.

Photo courtesy of Patricia Sy.

After blocking all the plays, we headed up to the MKP to prep up. My gosh, there was already a long line outside the Conference room when we went outside. How in the world will everyone fit?

Changed and prepped up in the MKP, then Sir Dennis joined us for a short company call and prayer, and we were ready to go. My goodness, everything was happening so fast that I didn't even have time to panic or be nervous. Not even when I found out that it was more than just a full house inside the Conference room. The playwrights ended up standing just so people can still sit.

By the time I stepped out onstage, I just went with it. Gel was an awesome co-actor, and I went along with what she offered. It was amazing how even performing a short 10-minute play reading could give me a high. I couldn't even believe it when Sir Dennis had said that our play was one of the audience favorites. Thank you so much!

Photo courtesy of Mars Mercado.

I know I had already said this, but thank you so much to everyone involved in the staged reading. To Maria and the other playwrights, thank you for trusting us with your work. Thank you as well to Sir Glenn for helping them bring out the best in their writing, and to Sir Dennis for guiding us to flesh them out in our own simple way. And of course thank you to Gel, the Ivy to my Sef, for being an awesome scene partner.

I got more than I bargained for upon my return immersion in the Labfest and in CCP this year. Hope to make more out of this in the future.

Simply random.

Some questions by Father Alex during one Sunday's homily last month:

"How is your love life?"
"Is your life filled with love?"
"Bakit kapag pag-ibig ang pinag-uusapan, napapangiti ang tao?"

The topic may be of different context, but it's one very interesting thing to talk about.

And then there was this funny quip by my friend Carla when I once told her that the guy she liked wasn't my type at all.

"Hindi ako nagtataka kung bakit single ka pa rin hanggang ngayon."

So I may be a little choosy, but it's still really a matter of opinion. Why should I settle for someone mediocre after being burned a few times?

My last psuedo (or best to say assumed) relationship lasted less than a month. It didn't work out because our lifestyles clashed. I was busy with work, juggling a part-time call center job and a full-time job at a dance fitness company, and it ate up almost all my waking hours even during Saturdays. He, on the other hand, works at a corporate firm that was one of our clients, and he claimed that he wanted someone that he sees and gets to be with a lot. Clingy much? So it never worked. I wanted to give it another chance, but no dice, he just gave up, and even stopped speaking to me.

The guy before that was a real gentleman when we dated, but admitted to being a douche. I didn't accept that at first, as he also claimed that he was guarding his heart, but was brought back to reality when he repeated a disappearing act, only for me to find out later that he unfriended and unfollowed me on social media. Now he has a girlfriend that is up to his high standards that I had once or twice disagreed with.

Twice burned in the same year. So I guess regardless of my age, I'll be pretty much guarding my heart a little more for now.

To be honest, I'm sick and tired of people still asking me about getting married and having kids, possibly because of my age. So they care that your biological clock is ticking much faster now. But then now, I realized, I don't really care anymore. Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I still don't see myself settling down with a family. I may see a partner, a husband in the future, but kids? I honestly still don't see it. I'm still open to it, yes. But it's still not a priority. Call it selfish, or whatever, but I'd rather not have kids if I'm not even mature enough handle it.

But well, maybe ask me again in a couple of years.

Anyway.

A few weeks ago, I was candidly amused when I saw Carlo Vergara's term of a "happy crush."

"Masaya pala yung meron kang 'happy crush,' yung tipong crush na kalmado lang ang kalooban mo. Hindi ka inuuhog sa kilig, hindi pumuputok ang mga mata mo sa tuwing ngumingiti siya, hindi nagtsu-tsunami ang dugo mo kapag katabi mo siya. Smile in your heart, ika nga nila, pero walang pressure, walang expectations, at walang longing. Happy lang."

It was exactly what I needed at the right time, right now. Just glad that I'm just enjoying the things that I'm doing for now. And it's not half-bad that I'm also smitten. But simply just that. Nothing else. Nothing more. I'd rather have a less complicated life right now. It's easier that way.

Wait, what? Smitten? Me?

Whatever.

The right choice versus the popular choice, a familiar story (for me).

There are still so many things I've written down on my physical journal, but I'd like to write about this particular topic first.

While I was chatting with some of my friends online last night about a certain dilemma one of them was going through, I was telling her certain advice that I received quite some time ago. As I was typing the words down on the chat box, I could hear Mommy Val's voice in the words I was putting down. I was echoing the same advice she had given to me.

It was pretty interesting. I actually love it when I learn something from my mentors then get to pass it on to others, and they actually listen because it came from first-hand experience.

I remember a note related to this that I had tucked away in my phone. It was a note about what I was supposed to share with the rest of the scholars during our Saturday training. To backtrack, a handful of us attended Bo Sanchez's Holy Week retreat last year, and each of us was encouraged by Mommy Val to share something we had picked up from the retreat, be it from one of the talks, or one of the shared stories.

Below is part of what I wrote as a guide to what I had shared during the lecture part of our training.

==============================

Being the eldest (in this group) doesn't necessarily mean you already know what's best for you and for everyone. I may be the eldest (here), but I know that I still have a lot to learn, maybe even more than you guys.

On the second day of the retreat, a woman shared about a business deal that she tied up with some of her friends. Some major things fell through due to the screw-ups of one member of the group. Some of her friends wanted to do something, and even encouraged her to do so, but she had decided to do nothing. She had to choose between the right choice and the popular choice.

This woman's story struck me, because I had to face that choice as well, and not even once. There was this one time that I had to cover for people because of petty excuses. Mommy Val always told me to stop covering for them, to stop babying them. In a way, by telling me that in her usual firm and blunt way, she was empowering me, in order to empower them as well. At some point she had even mentioned that trying to do the right thing for everyone would make you the unpopular one.

She had no idea that I was yet to experience that.

The biggest challenge of the same choice was after one big event. Similar things happened. I knew it was too much already. I couldn't cover for them anymore. I had to tell. That was the right thing to do.

But of course, just because I tried to do the right thing doesn't necessarily mean that I was still in the right at that time, because I made that huge stupid mistake by ranting about the situation and posted my rant on social media. Everyone saw it and was furious at me. True, I was trying to do the right thing, which may not be ideal for the others because we weren't on the same page yet, but that didn't mean that I had to act so high and mighty that I would spread it on social media.

==============================

Popular choice versus the right choice.

I'm still continuing to learn this.

And I'm glad I somehow get to share pieces of knowledge or wisdom that I had gained from my mentors.

Thank you.

Push: The Rehearsal and Performance Techniques workshop in retrospect.

"You really need to do a play, Hogi."

Woah.

That was one of the things Sir Dennis had told me Saturday evening, two days after our recital.

So April had come and gone, and so did the Rehearsal and Performance Techniques workshop under Tanghalang Pilipino. We had pulled off a feat, and performed a show in just 18 rehearsals. Amazing.

I first came to the workshop saying that I wanted to see if I can still act, or even if I'm capable of acting at all. The last workshop I had was 4 years ago. I had fun then, yes, and I did quite some effort, but I knew in a way that I was still holding back then.

This year was different. Because I really wanted to see for myself what I can do, I made the effort to be more open, to explore more. I was pretty rusty from not doing it for quite some time, but you'll never know what you can do if you don't jump into action. Re-learn what you had learned once before.

In this most recent talk series at the Feast, the topic was on your X-factor. Your core gift. I still had quite some difficulty discovering my own core gift, but a realization came in the final talk. The discovery and development of your core gift are not sequential, but parallel. Sometimes you won't realize it until you deliver it.

Wow. Interesting.

I thought that my last performance 4 years ago was already pretty OK by me. But as Mommy Val would always reiterate, you're only as good as your last performance. It's not good enough to be complacent. Coming back to the TP workshops, I was telling myself, I can still do better. I just need to be more open, and commit to what I'm doing. Persistence trumps skill, as Sir Dennis had said.

The material we were given was Bienvenido Noriega, Jr.'s Mga Idolong Romantiko. It has a longer title, which was (get ready for this) Aba, ano't nangangamatay itong MGA IDOLONG ROMANTIKO at ilang nakamulatang tampalasang gaya nil sa ISANG DULANG nanunukso't nagpapatawa ngunit bahagya ring SUMUSURI NG LIPUNAN natin, gaya nito? Aba, aba!

Woah, that was a mouthful.

After we had read the text a couple of times, I sort of thought that staging the 3-act play was pretty intimidating. But with the faith I've always had in Sir Dennis, I also thought that we could pull it off... somehow.

Three weeks of script analysis and exercises came. Every evening, after brief warm-ups and improvisation exercises, we settled down to discuss the script, along with scene work, be it with a partner or with a group, or even alone with a monologue. It was fun working together with different people, sharing the scenes and ideas together. It was interesting how we managed to discover something new with the script every day, something that we can explore and play around with. There were some times that I would anticipate that I would go back to being locked into the script, just barreling through, but then I knew that I would get nowhere if I kept that in mind. I had to stop thinking too much. So I did, and I had fun. I was enjoying myself in the workshop more than I had expected.

I was amazed at how far all of us had grown, beginning from day 1 of the workshop. We were all overwhelmed at the thought of pulling off this play, but day by day, we kept at it, and started noticing how much we were discovering more, and how we were even starting to like the play no matter how confused we were from the very start. That was funny, actually. We had learned to love the play.

As usual, Sir Dennis didn't tell us what our roles were until a few days before the recital. But some of us already had an inkling, but he said he'd tell us on the Saturday before our recital (which was 5 days before the show). I remember sometime during the middle of the week when Sir Dennis assigned me the same role for the 2nd time in a row, because he wanted to me to explore more, as he was only seeing me as Hogi when I was doing it the first time. I remembered that that was a Thursday evening. By Friday, after we had done our assigned scenes, we were told to create new biographies on the characters that he assigned to us later that evening. I ended up getting the same character again for the biography assignment. I knew it. As confirmed near the end of our Saturday afternoon class, Sir Dennis had given me the role of Dona Pepita. One of the 3 roles that has the most lines in the play. Oh my.

Of course, I didn't want to let those lines get in the way of this challenge. By then, most, if not all, of us knew a lot about each character, regardless we were assigned to do them or not. That's one of the many things I loved about this class. I knew why Sir Dennis gave the roles only days before the show. Because by then, we already knew the play backwards and forwards. In a way, we already created and made each of the characters real.

After blocking the play quickly on Saturday evening, the two-day break until the next rehearsal on Tuesday wasn't easy. It meant reading and re-reading the script with the spine/objective in mind, re-graphing, finding more new things in the text, and of course, memorizing. My goodness. I know I'm bad at memorizing things, and Dona Pepita's long lines were practically in every 5 or 6 pages. I even resorted to asking Aldo on Monday night if the next evening was a drop script rehearsal, even though he had already told me that it was best to already know my lines, otherwise it would be crazy. It was pretty daunting just looking at those huge chunks, but I knew that I shouldn't let that get to me. Hello, Hogi, you already know this. You're done most of the scenes before, memorized, no less, with a few minor exceptions. Focus!

Tuesday rehearsal was bad. Really bad. Because of one co-actor who obviously didn't study his script, it somehow affected all of us. Some of us clung to our copies, though somewhat just glancing at the lines. Ended up coming early on Wednesday just so I can have some alone time with the script without any distractions, and I must say that things were getting better. We finally had our first run-through on Wednesday evening with costumes, and I guess it was an okay run.

Our first and only tech run was on Thursday afternoon, just hours before the show. As usual, it was sink or swim. So we did. And we actually had a pretty good tech run. It calmed my nerves a bit knowing that. We even had everything in order backstage. As long as I have things respectively in place, I'll be fine. As long as I listen and be in the moment, I'll be fine. As long as I'm enjoying, I really will be fine.

Showtime! After a few words from Sir Dennis, we said a little prayer, then scurried backstage as the house opened. I didn't bother checking my phone anymore for any messages, as it would just distract me from the show. I just double-checked if my costumes and my script were in my area behind the curtain, and then just sat quietly. Interestingly enough, I wasn't as nervous as I had expected. For some reason, even though I was holding my script while sitting backstage, I stopped running my lines through my head anymore. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I just wanted to relax during that remaining half hour before the show began.

From the moment the show began until the very last minute I was there, I was actually enjoying myself. Before, I used to be quite anxious that I couldn't wait to get off that stage. Never mind that there were a few missed lines, no one noticed anyway. We were told that it showed that we were having fun. I was pretty darn glad to hear that. Some people couldn't believe we managed to pull off a full-length 3-act play. But we made it happen.

The best part of it all? The truth? It was the most fun I've had in a very, very long time.

Kath had said she was glad that I went back to my first love. I knew that even during that 4-year break, I still had that twinkle in my eye whenever I talk about theater. It's true, it's still my passion. I couldn't even describe the feeling when Sir Dennis told me after the show that I should keep on performing. It was the best feeling in the world. It feels so good to be back.

Thank you, Sir Dennis, for believing in me, and letting me take on things that challenge me. It may be tough and may drive me crazy every evening, but it was worth it, and I still had fun. You always inspire me to do my best. I look forward to the future because of your class.

Thank you, Aldo, for all the help. Especially on the last minute advice on knowing the script, even though I took on script analysis before you did, hahaha. Hope to perform with you again soon.

And of course, to my RPT classmates, it was quite the exciting ride this entire month of April. Thank you for the shared knowledge, the laughs, the little quirks and crazies, and everything else in between. It was fun sharing the stage with you. May this play be the first of many for us.

Curtains for Mga Idolong Romantiko. But not for my first love, my core gift.

Chalk it up to experience. And fanning the flames.

The photo above was taken in the lobby of the CCP Little Theater last Friday afternoon. For some reason, that blank wall (which is usually used for artwork and other exhibits) somehow reflects what I'm feeling right then. Not entirely blank, but basically a blank slate.

Well, this had been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Just when I decided to focus on just one line of work (instead of juggling two), I immediately found myself restless. The impulsive sanguine in me led me to a path I had once left behind, due to the simple longing of always having some sort of art in my life.

I had already mentioned this in one of my most recent blog entries, but yes, I returned to the TP workshops.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been spending my evenings in the CCP Conference Room once again for the Rehearsal and Performance Techniques workshop class. This year is the fourth time I'm taking the class, and the third time under Sir Dennis. This is one class I would always keep coming back to, no matter how many times I had said before how challenging it always was for me. I always believe that the learning never stops. Anywhere.

Every time I take Sir Dennis' class (including the Actors Company's script analysis class where they let non-AC scholars join), I always feel excited and anxious at the same time. Excited because I'm sure that I will learn a whole lot, yet anxious because there will always be a bunch of things that I wouldn't understand, or couldn't execute or perform as well as my fellow actors could. But like I always keep saying, every time is always a different class, and I'll say this once more, the learning never ends. There will always come a time, sooner or later, I will finally get what Sir Dennis was trying to get us to understand, and I know how he enjoys our eureka moments during those times of enlightenment or realization.

As I had put in this entry's title, maybe we could chalk it up to experience. There were some things discussed in the class that I couldn't understand before that I could finally get now. Certain inhibitions in performing that I once had are now gone. I learned how to explore things even further, to look for more possible options before narrowing things down instead of just staying in your comfort zone. And it's due to experiences I already had in the past that I'm grateful for, without any regrets. Maybe I just wasn't ready back then. I've grown because I've opened up my mind a little more. I'm even grateful for the fact that I had left theater for a while to explore a completely different world, to return also bringing along most, if not all, the things I had learned from taking that path.

Then there was the talk during today's session at The Feast. As the talk series is about the X-factor, which is basically your core gift, today talked about honing that particular gift. To fan the flames of your passion, as they had said.

There was a question that said, "What is one thing that makes you on fire?"

I thought I had lost it. And now I'm beginning to re-discover it.

I thought I could never improve in performing, especially because there are so many actors who are much more talented than I am. I thought that my thought process was way slower than theirs because they can easily grasp what was told while I would just be a sitting duck with a blank face.

So yeah, maybe I wasn't ready for it then. Let's go back to talking about experience. Like Mads had once told Mommy Val (during a very different situation), maybe because some people are on the 100th page, while the rest are still on the 10th page.

And now I just caught up with the ones who had read faster than I did. And I'm so happy with what's been happening. I get surprisingly flattered with the comments I get during our performances in class, and listen intently on the other notes that I get. Every day provides a new challenge, and as Mommy Val keeps quoting, "You're only as good as your last performance." Set the bar higher. There's always room for improvement.

Rosa said on Facebook that I "look like a fish that found her way back to the ocean." She's right about that. I really now do believe that theater really is essential to my happiness.

I came up to my mentor because I didn't have direction then. Now I'm back to where I had left off, and now I'm putting a little more direction instead of just going with the flow.

Keep the fire burning.

*Class photos courtesy of my TP workshop classmates.

Limbo

It's been about a year since I first attended The Feast at PICC, and in more ways than one, especially the most recent ones, the talks have always been spot on.

This was part of what was written on the front page of yesterday's Feast Bulletin:

When a person doesn't know his core gift, it's like he's living in limbo. Note that limbo is not a bad place. But it should just be a stopover. Not knowing your core gift means it's a place of waiting, wondering, searching, and seeking.

But sooner or later, you stumble upon your place in the world, your spot under the sun, your platform in the universe. You discover what special gift you're supposed to give to the world.

At that point, you step out of limbo. And you step into a little bit of heaven on earth. By that, I don't mean that your problems will disappear. (That's why it's just a "little but of heaven on earth".) Actually, the opposite happens--your problems multiply. Because now, you have to develop and deliver your gift to the world.


But knowing your core gift is an amazing experience.

At my age, I'm still discovering my core gift. A couple of years ago, I was even more uncertain about it because I had no direction. With the help of mentors, I somehow knew what to do, but it was all up to me to take action. I knew that my core gift wasn't the performing art of dance, that's for sure, and found that I had a lot of strength in the the English language.

Even as a kid, I was very good in written communication. It was oral communication that was a challenge. Even with my theater training, I still had a lot of inhibitions when it comes to interacting with certain people. Even though I may be a little used to talking to people, there's still that hint of shyness and intimidation.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I had to decide.

I chose a different path from the one was already taking.

And with that different path, there were some things I had left behind. So in a flash, I once again took the opportunity.

One thing about it was because I haven't done this in quite a long time, it takes a little bit of getting used to again. Just as Sir Dennis had said, it's like riding a bicycle. Because I haven't done practiced this consistently, it takes a while to get used to doing it again. But I'm glad I went back on that metaphorical bicycle. I first thought I'd try it to see if I still have it in me. And I guess I still do.

I may be still in limbo, but I still know I can get out of it sometime soon.