2025 in retrospect.

It’s been quite some time since I last wrote a real retrospective entry. I hardly even post here. I actually missed blogging. So, now that I'm here, let’s just do this, shall we?

My word for the year 2025 was Authenticity. When I selected that word, it came with this: “May there be room for you to be present to life in a way that allows you to breathe more freely…beyond the confines of who you thought you had to be.”

I honestly didn’t know at that time what the passage meant. The word authenticity just really resonated when I saw it among the other words.

Now, looking back at this year, I think I get it.

At work, I started the year on a high note, receiving a top trainer award for our cluster, then my manager encouraged me to step up by taking a certification course and a mentorship seminar, both of which got pushed back indefinitely.

When it came to the whole work situation, I was encouraged to step up because at that time, I already put in 2 years in the company. For most people, they expect more from you by then. I can be the most blunt person when it comes to work. When people would always ask if I plan to get promoted, I would say a very direct no. A lot of folks always wonder why I never wanted a higher position, but I would always say that promotion and a higher pay is not my definition of success.

That is where I’ve always been authentic. I know for sure that if there is a task or job that is not aligned with my strengths, I wouldn’t enjoy doing or even learning it, even to the point of not wanting to come to work. I know there were some coworkers who get bored teaching the same things week after week, but I feel differently. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I just enjoy the mere monotony or enjoy the same routine over and over. What I really do enjoy about it is that the more I do it, the more I get to know myself and my style and how to evolve it. I get to be creative with my facilitation style (within reason).

Authenticity at work is not about settling, but all about being happy at what I do, and still have the luxury of time to enjoy life outside work.

In dance, I was feeling pretty optimistic at the beginning of the year that I could do better in competitions, as our highest ranking the year before was a nice, clean second place. My coach and some of my teammates noticed the progress, and know I can do better. The downside of it all was that my dance partner was missing in action for almost the entire year. He did turn up a couple of times, only to explain vaguely that he had to settle a few personal issues, but other than that, he was a no-show. I then became content with just taking classes, and even taking in a few one-on-one sessions with our coach.

As the months flew by without even practice sessions with my dance partner, I knew I wouldn’t be joining any competitions for the year 2025. There were a few offers to pair up with some of the other gents in our team, and I knew I could have better chances in competition by dancing with them, but I knew that I could fare better if we had practiced earlier in the year, so I just had to decline.

Authenticity with my passions is not about quitting, it’s about knowing my abilities, but also knowing not just limits, but timeframes.

Sometime in May this year, I cracked open a fortune cookie, and the fortune inside mentioned something about welcoming a new relationship. I laughed this off, as I have been single for over a decade, and I was actually feeling content with my single life lately.

Then when the first half of the year was about to end, someone from the past sent me a message, and after a few exchanges, we started reconnecting again. I have to admit, I still have trust issues, especially with the history between us, but I guess this is what second chances are all about, right?

So this second half of the year was spent just getting to know each other again, because it’s been 20 years since we actually last saw each other in person. It was back to square one, still taking it slow. Some of the few select people who are in the know also ask why things are going this slow and low-key, but I don’t mind this setup one bit. I like this kind of pace for our own separate reasons, my own being the fact that I still enjoy my quiet moments alone, still being independent.

Authenticity in terms of relationships is not about having a specific deadline, not conforming to what others feel a relationship should be, but keeping things at your own pace, no matter how long you stay in the status quo.

2025 had its ups and downs. It may not have been as productive compared to the years prior, but I still saw progress in me, no matter how slow or how small the changes have been. What matters to me most was that I enjoyed the journey, even up to the little things and moments that happened.

I have yet to decide on my word for the year 2026. I have narrowed it down to three different words that have all resonated, but I’ll sleep on it, and finally decide before the new year hits.

Just adding another goofy image taken by my brother during our Baguio trip to show my crazy yet authentic self.

Two Twinbills

It's been so long since I've been involved in theater, that I always feel like it's lifetimes ago. I stepped away, and as life happened, I got busy with other things, especially dancing.

As I found out some time ago that a couple of friends in our team have been enjoying the theater, we immersed ourselves this weekend in a couple of twinbills.

After Saturday dance class, Thea, Jay-ar, and I went to watch Theatre Titas’ Dedma, featuring Let’s Do Lunch and The Foxtrot.

Let’s Do Lunch’s sharp dialogue between two friends from the upper class was very engaging. We may have tendencies to stereotype these folks while they are faced with their own struggles, yet they keep up with their pride to save face, and hide pity. Issa was quite the natural, that no matter how she had to move to the heart of Taguig (“and we’re not talking about BGC”) and had to be a little persistent with her new endeavor, she still kept up that strong demeanor. Naths as Val, on the other hand, was interesting to watch, as she was the type who still lived comfortably, yet still chooses to ignore all the red flags. The maid, Bebang, even holds her own with her wit and quirky tricks with the props right on until the very end. Sometimes whenever she just appears onstage, you were just watching her, waiting for her to do another trick.

My friends and I were pretty intrigued by The Foxtrot. As dancesport athletes, the foxtrot is part of our repertoire, so we were mighty curious. While we weren't surprised with the DI-guest relationship, we felt as if there was something different in Diego, played by JC. He felt like a caricature, a cocky DI who was a little too immature to handle the situation of being in the middle. While there may be cocky DIs in this industry, the behavior onstage felt a little too young and inexperienced in terms of the getting personal. On the other hand, I loved how real Anna could be in the dance world. Ganun din naman kasi minsan ang some guests, ahehe.

While we enjoyed this play in particular due to Jackie Lou Blanco's portrayal of Anna, we saw a lot of inconsistencies and misconceptions of the ballroom/dancesport industry. I'm not saying it's inaccurate, but I just wish that a little more research on dancesport and how DIs are could have been done. Anna, the guest, is supposedly dancing the foxtrot, which is a standard ballroom dance, yet she was wearing Latin ballroom shoes. While I understand that Anna could wear that black dress to practice, it’s quite rare to see a man wear his complete tailsuit to practice as well.

Despite that, I loved the American Smooth choreography they had of the foxtrot all throughout that play, with a little of some other dances. It was smooth, and it showed great partnering skills between the two dancers. In ballroom and dancesport, people always think that the man leads and the lady just follows whatever. In truth, the man leads, yes, but the lady also does her part, her share in the dance, and both complement each other, which was clearly shown in the play, regardless if they were dancing the foxtrot or another dance.

I'm now wondering if people actually think that the waltz is boring or cannot be improvised (as Diego had stated in the play), because it's one dance I enjoy, and yes, it can be improvised, depending on the lead of the man.

“This is my happy place,” Anna had said. She said that dancing had that effect of letting her forget her problems at home. When she said that line, it really struck a chord with me. When I started dancing, I began to realize how it helped me in so many ways. Over a decade ago, it helped me get over a complicated relationship. It also prodded me to find peace of mind after trying to get over certain bouts of depression some years ago. Given the right place, time, and people, it also became my happy place.

On Sunday morning, the three of us went to watch another set of plays, this time at their alma mater. Dulaang UP was running Mga Anak ng Unos, a twinbill about climate change. It’s probably been almost 10 years since I last visited UP, so I was excited to visit again.

The first play, Sa Gitna ng Digmaan ng mga Mahiwagang Nilalang Laban sa Sankatauhan was a folk mythical play about creatures against humans about the destruction of nature. While I first thought that the dialogue took a more formal route due to certain words drawn from dialects and languages, I liked how they made it into a good mix with colloquial language, and even trending catchphrases, especially from the three folks that played nuno sa punso. But despite those light moments, it still didn’t distract us from the serious topic of how humans play a big role in protecting or destroying the environment.

The second play hit a little differently, while aptly titled Climate in Crazies. It felt like a series of vignettes, tackling certain environmental issues and crises here and there, and it was more fast-paced, triggering a lot of different emotions. While there were a lot of humorous moments, it climaxed to how it can reach the extreme in every part of the world, not excluding how typhoons would affect us to the point of severe flooding. My chuckles from the earlier witty scenes were silenced because of the reality check.

I was in awe of the actors, as most of them, including the directors, were people I looked up to back when I started taking theater workshops under Tanghalang Pilipino. These were the people I thought were the OG (at least when I was still a newbie there). Miss Tess was my first basic acting teacher in TP, while Sir Herbie was the artistic director back then. Bong was an Actors Company member, and I remember watching Delphine when she was still a student (and even once became one of my ushers for another company’s show). Walang tapon talaga sa lahat ng mga ginawa nila all throughout the play.

It was so refreshing to see them again, that I somehow missed those happy days just hanging out in every nook and cranny of CCP. Yes, I missed it, but I don’t know if I’ll ever go back there. I’m just glad that I visited the world that I once came from.

This entire weekend had me in my happy places, both old and new. Dancing in the studio with my coach and teammates. Watching live theater, and living it.

Sometimes, when life brings so many challenges, it’s better to step back for a while, and go back to where you came from. There and again, you will find passion.

"Get back in touch with the brazenly optimistic part of yourself that got lost somewhere along the way." - Mandy Hale, "The Single Woman"

Time really does help.

When I took a peek at my Facebook memories today, I saw a post that I re-shared back in 2020. It was right before the pandemic struck, and during that time, I was somewhat near the end of a stage of depression, hence the post.

It said, “Picture this, 5 years from now, tatawanan mo na lang lahat ng setbacks at failures mo, and realize that God’s always been with you through ups and downs kaya mo kinakaya. He’s faithful even when we’re not.”

Very interesting.

How timely to come across that because it reminded me of a book that I read when I was in my early years of high school. The book was written as if you were reading the diary of a girl–written in first person, dates instead of chapters, and the font was like the girl’s handwriting. If you’re familiar with The Baby-Sitters Club book series in the 1990s, this was a spin-off series called The California Diaries.

Anyway, I digress. I remember that in one of the books, the main character said that journals are important to her. You write about your experiences, your feelings, everything that had happened. True, it felt like the end of the world while something bad was happening at that moment, and you wished that it would all just go away, and disappear. Or sometimes, you would wish that you could immediately get over that. Then years later, when you read what you’ve written, you’ll realize that you eventually survived those bad things that happened to you.

Going back to that Facebook post that I re-shared, it also reminded me of what I did last Friday when I had a lot of downtime at work. For some reason, I found myself looking at my old blogs from many many years ago. I found funny anecdotes with friends, my life in theater, love, heartache, and the best part of it all was closure, peace, and contentment.

For years, even prior to the pandemic, I prayed for peace of mind. And just last Friday, that was when I realized that I finally got that answered prayer. I didn’t realize that I’ve had that for months now, and I was already laughing with some friends about old issues that I now finally let go of.

So yes, friends, if you’re stuck in a rut right now, that is perfectly okay. Acknowledge any pain or other negative emotions. Don’t rush into feeling better, because you’ll just end up feeling impatient and frustrated. Give it time, and eventually, you’ll get there.

It feels really great to write things down again.

Just wanted to add this photo of Diego chillin' for effect, hahaha.

2023 in restrospect.

It’s been years since I last wrote a proper blog post online. I figured that since it’s the beginning of a brand-new year, I thought I would try to get back into writing again.

I kind of missed writing annual retrospect posts, so this could be a good time to do so. (Even though I'm publishing it at the end of the month of January.

My word of the year for 2023 was “onward.” It resonated a lot for me because the definition is “to move further on in place or time”. In a way, I pretty much did, in terms of my career and my personal goal.

Let’s start with how I moved onward in my career.

I was already actively searching for a way to grow in my career even before the year 2023 began, but I couldn’t seem to find one right away. An opportunity finally opened up sometime near the end of January for a position in learning and development in a different company, and I immediately did all things necessary to move from one company to another while I was already rendering hours for my last month.

The shift from being a teacher to a trainer was quite challenging. As a newbie trainer, one of my coworkers told me that there is a big difference between a teacher and a trainer. With the guidance of my supervisor, coworkers, and most especially my mentor and fellow pacesetters, I swiftly adapted. The biggest challenge I had was having to deal with paperwork and deliverables, something that was my waterloo five years before. It took months of getting used to, but once I got the hang of it, I began to feel more at ease. As an extrovert, the easiest part was talking in front of people, especially when the topics were about something that I’m passionate about. As someone who was from the theatre industry, I had no problem dealing with nerves, possibly because I’m used to getting that nervous feeling, and translating that nervous energy into the art of gab. Wow, that sounded cocky, LOL. But yeah, imagine how I put extra effort into sitting still and having to accomplish all the deliverables at the end of the day.

As the days, weeks, and months rolled by, I was getting used to having a “normal” day shift that was different from what I was used to for the past several years. Even tolerating the rush hour crowd became bearable, especially at the end of every day. In my previous jobs, I was known for clocking out exactly on time. When I got the hang of my current job, I learned how to manage my time without using my strict ways, and sometimes even welcomed distractions (but not too much) while working on my deliverables, just so I don’t have to drive myself crazy with the evening rush hour crowd. I learned to be a little more chill, yet still set appropriate deadlines for myself.

Now that I’m a regular employee at my current job, I continue to move onward.

In terms of one of my personal goals, moving to a job that supported my dancing helped a lot. I was sick of worrying about whether my leaves would get approved or not (sometimes even at the last minute), or if I still have enough leaves without having to use them for holidays (which I still firmly believe is illegal), or most importantly, if I have enough budget for my classes and competition expenses.

Once I got regularized at work, I had everything all planned out, and by then, I was gearing up for the 4th quarterly national dancesport competition. I didn’t really want to experience another mishap like what had happened the year before. Getting resources this past year was easier, as I realized that the more people you know, the more resources you have. I finally managed to obtain a nice gown I could call my own, even though it was secondhand. I didn’t have to panic about where to get new shoes, because I easily placed an order from where I ordered the previous year. And of course, because of the hair and makeup fail last year, I kept making sure this was intact and set.

One more thing that I made sure of was securing paid leaves to make way for practice time. This was easier than I thought, but what I didn’t expect was the flu season. Even though I filed two weeks’ worth of leaves, I got sick on week one. It took me a long time to recover, but once I felt that I was okay enough to practice, I was back in the studio. I masked up and still showed up.

On the day of the competition, I easily had my hair and makeup done at a reasonable time. It was fortunate that I only had to walk to a unit one floor above me just to get this done. It was quite different from the panic I felt the year before when the person who promised to do my hair and makeup bailed at the last minute.

In hindsight, I realized that just because I learned from the year before about prep time doesn’t mean just working out what went wrong then. You also need to find ways to do better. Because we became lax with my preparation, we were so chill in the holding area that we didn’t exactly go back to the dance floor to warm up prior to our event. I think we got complacent with the fact that we already practiced on the actual dance floor the day before.

All in all, my dancesport competition experience in 2023 was better than the year before. We entered 2 of our previous events—Grade D (slow waltz, tango), Special Event 2C (slow waltz, tango, slow foxtrot)—and one more event—Combined Age 80 (slow waltz, tango, slow foxtrot). I was still kind of nervous, of course, probably because I believe that I didn’t put in enough practice due to sickness, but I still gave it my best and enjoyed myself. I had that good feeling that I one-upped my past self because even though I still have a lot to improve on, I still was better than before. For the first time, we had ranked over one couple that ranked over us in our other event. Even though that said something for me, I knew that our actual competition was ourselves.

As I continue to move onward in my dancesport journey, I continue to improve myself.

When I was discerning what my word for the year 2024 would be, I wanted to make sure that it will be something that really resonates. As I was flipping through reels on Instagram, I came across a reel that let us screenshot what our word could be.

Boom, the word came out. RESONATE.

As a verb, resonate means “to continue to have a power effect or value”. Upon further reading in the Cambridge online dictionary, “If you resonate with something, it feels true or has meaning for you”.

I want 2024 to have more meaning, more breakthroughs, more adventures, and more stories.

It’s time to resonate.

Walking on water.

 “That was lifetimes ago.”

One Friday evening in June, I got to catch up with an old friend via phone call. What was supposed to be a quick call evolved into a long conversation that lasted for over an hour.

“Kumusta?” “How are you?”

How much can you tell a friend that you have not talked to in over a decade? I was tongue-tied. Where do I start?

I’ve known Adjeng since we first met at one of my OJT stints in theater. She was one of the actors in our show, and I was the (relatively) quiet college kid. We met again a few months later when I was working for an acoustic concert series for a common friend’s band, and her own band was the front act of each show.

I didn’t know it until then, but I was darn glad that she was part of the event. I was going through a really rough patch, and she became my confidante.

Fast forward to two decades later, and there we were, talking on the phone. Talking about what I went through at that time. And we were laughing about it. LAUGHING. And to think that back in 2003, I was a huge mess that it took a while to muster a smile to show that I was trying to be professional. We grew up. It just happened. I forgave certain people long before they even apologized. And in the process, I also forgave myself.

“That was lifetimes ago.”

I had to laugh when I said that. Because that’s what it felt like. I am now so different from that quiet, awkward girl in 2003. She hid in the corner of every rehearsal room during choreo days, and panicked at the slightest thing. She would melt into the floor, especially when her heart got crushed.

In a way, and in time, she grew up.

She did things that scared her. She learned how to dance, she conquered her extreme case of stage fright, and even learned how to face an audience that was bigger than she ever thought possible. She renewed her Catholic faith and dedicated her time and talent to service.

Her heart, despite the dents and bruises, managed to get through so much.

When we think back about those times when we felt that the world was falling apart, we suddenly realize, as we look back at them, that all that is finally over. What we thought we couldn’t do, we did. We got over things, and even people. We got through all those.

With faith in Him and in ourselves, we survived.

We walked on water.

I like the term "walking on water." After I told Adjeng over the phone about what I had been up to, she mentioned that she had finished a song that she was planning to release, and she got even more excited about it. When I listened to the song for the first time, it really spoke to me. It reminded me of how many times I was so afraid of everything before I started leaping into my courage zone. I stepped in faith and out of my comfort zone, and walked on water.

Quarantine Quandary.

On the day they first announced that Metro Manila will be under enhanced community quarantine, I panicked. I was staying in a condo in Makati with roommates, and my manager had announced that we will start working from home the following day. I hurriedly packed my laptop, phone, and wallet in my bag, leaving a lot of my clothes and other stuff behind, and took the first bus back home to the south.

It was actually pretty easy for me to adjust to the home-based work setup during the first weeks of quarantine. I didn’t have to wake up earlier than my usual, so I chopped off a lot of my prep time and commuting time. I also got to save quite a lot of money because I didn’t have to spend on transportation and eating out so much, because groceries were a family expense. Of course, I had to struggle with a few issues as well, such as internet connection using my own laptop, and background noise due to family members talking in the background, my dog barking, and random vehicles passing by outside. Eventually, I had to request for a desktop from the office, so I pretty much had it easy by then.

As an ambivert, I pretty much enjoyed the quarantine life. Sure, it can be crazy sometimes knowing that I can’t be able to step outside the house for a random catchup date with a friend over coffee, but we managed to find ways online through Facebook Messenger chat and Zoom video calls. Eventually I also managed to satiate my yearning for activity, creativity, and even church service by making live dance fitness videos, singing collaborations, and whipping up different ways of making coffee in the kitchen. When I needed alone time, I just holed myself up in my room, reading or watching videos on YouTube or Netflix.

Since my parents are already senior citizens, going out of the house was a bigger no-no for them. Thank goodness we have Ate Melba around because it made their lives easier, especially when I was still living in Makati. She was the one who did the grocery runs for us. Props to her for always being so game on waking up so early to brave the long lines.

We were pretty much well-adjusted to being in quarantine, that we thought that all we had to do was wait for the time to pass until all lockdown rules are lifted, and we can just try to go back to normal. We thought wrong.

Two months into quarantine, my dad had a heart attack during the wee hours of the morning. It was my mom who found him on the floor, probably on his way to the bathroom. My mom woke me in a panic, and since neither of us could drive, we had to knock on the door of our neighbor who usually drove us if we needed to go somewhere far, or in case of emergencies, and this was a huge one.

After twelve long hours in the emergency room, the test results revealed that Dad has pneumonia, meaning that he was automatically considered a PUI (Person Under Investigation) for COVID-19. He had to stay in the PUI ward in the hospital for observation. Strict hospital rules said that relatives were not allowed to stay with PUI patients to prevent the spread of the virus, so we decided to hire a private nurse in order to be consistently updated.

We returned home with the thoughts of Dad getting better, especially under the watchful eye of the private nurse, who kept us updated every few hours. One small piece of good news later on though, was that his COVID results came out negative.

We lost Dad late the following night due to a second heart attack. I was so stunned that I didn’t even get to cry at all. In fact, I was surprised at how calm I sounded while talking to the nurse and the doctor. In all honesty, I felt lost, but I told myself that I shouldn’t show any signs of weakness in front of my mom. I was so grateful for my brother and my cousin, who walked me through the whole thing. Ate Shang made the necessary phone calls while my mom and I tried to get some rest. 

Dad was taken directly from the morgue to the funeral home for cremation, so the last time I ever saw him was when he was being wheeled out of the emergency room. We got his ashes the following day, and after a mass service with only my mom and me in attendance, we took the ashes into the columbarium of our parish church.

Dad passed away the day before the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima, which happens to be the name of our parish where he had been serving ever since he retired. The parish priest even mentioned how he was quite a devotee of our Mother Mary. I happened to be doing a DIY retreat called 33 Days to Morning Glory, which should have been punctuated by the same feast day. I never mentioned the retreat to him, and now that he's gone, I wished I could have. There were so many things that I've read and learned about our Lady, so many questions that we could have talked about together.

It’s very frustrating to lose a loved one at this time. There were so many extra safety measures in every step that you had to take. Even though there were quite a bunch of tasks that I had to do, resources were limited due to quarantine rules. We had to request a permit to go to the church where the columbarium was. There was no wake for my dad, and no one was allowed to visit us. No one else was there to offer you comforting hugs.

I didn’t really know how to deal with my emotions. I avoided a lot of phone calls and messages because I honestly didn’t know how to respond to them, and to be honest, answering the same questions (“What happened?” “How are you?”) can be very tiresome. I acted perky and somewhat “normal” in group chats, probably because I didn’t really want to be asked those same questions.

Just when I thought I was fully adjusted to quarantine life, I had to adjust to this extreme change. My dad was the one who ran the entire household, from bills to things that needed to be maintained and updated, and more. Now, I had to take the helm.

Dad’s 40th day fell exactly on Fathers’ Day. How appropriate.

I honestly have to say that I’ve been feeling all sorts of negative things that I’ve been kind of silent about until now. I have become more spiritually disconnected, and sometimes I blamed it on certain things about myself, especially since I haven’t been serving lately. My prayers have become half-hearted, possibly because certain prayers remain unanswered (though that may already be an answer already).

I have also been very frustrated with a lot about the world, because it made things a lot harder than it should these past months. I sometimes complained about the little things. I was surprised at how quick my temper was when I lost my internet connection while I was still talking to one of my students at work.

Even though I was being kind of elusive, I am truly thankful for the gift of my friends, family, and my community. I resorted to watching worship nights and live Feasts, quietly leaving a short comment or two. I’m so grateful for everyone who reached out in their own ways to help, and even just prayed for the soul of my dad, or even just sent a simple message. Even though I didn’t really feel like responding, every message was very well appreciated. I am thankful for my Feast family, for those few that I got to talk to when I finally felt like opening up.

I realized that no matter how I tried to isolate myself a little during this dismal time in quarantine, God still managed to crack open the window to let people check in on me and to let the sun shine through.

I am still trying to adjust to this “internal” new normal in my life. Little by little, I’m going back to where I left off. Even though it seems that I look okay on the outside, I sometimes have that little yearning for that comfort that I had before to tell me that things will just be all right.

On Lent, changes, and challenges.

I can’t count how many times I’ve tried to write this, and then find myself staring into space. I still have no idea how to start this entry, let alone write it.

This entire Lent had been quite the trying time for me. There were quite a few changes, plus some challenges that sometimes left me in tears. Yet, I still tried to look for the little good things in everyday, no matter crummy most days were.

At the beginning of Lent, I was already facing certain changes along with challenges. There were some things that I didn’t expect, and some things that I had to face the consequences to.

The first major change that happened was at the very beginning of March, when I had to move from Las Pinas to Makati because of necessity. I work in Ortigas with a shift that begins at 5:00 in morning, and the commute can be quite a challenge. Fortunately, a close friend offered a house to share.

It was all different and new to me, learning how to live independently for the first time, along with a friend in close contact with all the time. It brought challenges outside our friendship, because I already knew from the beginning that people will talk. There were also challenges within our friendship, which I have been dealing with for quite some time now. We live, but we learn.

Speaking of learning, I learned that being a good leader has so many ups and downs. I love it when we share our successes. But it's still tough when you feel as if your leadership and your commitment is being questioned. I started asking myself if I was still effective as a leader. I somewhat crashed, because there were already a lot of challenges that were going on in my life that time, and this also came into the picture. But again, we learn to communicate, and more importantly, we still learn.

Another change this Lent was in terms of relationships. When a given circumstance changes, sure enough, a lot of things will change as well. When a close relationship gets distorted, it can lead to a lot of repercussions. Certain situations can either draw two people even closer together, or it may even push them further apart.

I just didn’t realize that it’s possible that both can happen in quite a short time.

Because of the new circumstances, we take necessary actions. And sometimes, or even usually, the actions leading to a brand new setup and situation is not in our favor.

I was assured that this would only be temporary. Because of that assurance, I ended up being more clingy, needy, and impatient, that sometimes I become less sensitive that the other party may also be going through other things apart from what had happened between us. I had learned that not everything is about me.

I know there are easy and quick ways around this, but being quite the persistent (or maybe stubborn) person, I am still determined to see this through. There had been a lot of setbacks and arguments along the way, but I am slowly adjusting, little by little.

There are days that I find myself quietly sitting in my room, mulling over things that had happened, and then I would end up in tears. But then I would also find myself scrambling for a journal that I had been keeping this entire Lent. Everyday, I scribble something good that had happened that day, no matter how major or little it was.

I was also reminded by a friend that this is not the time to overthink things. “Binigay sayo yung oras na yan para ayusin mo yung sa sarili mo. Hindi para ayusin yung sa inyo. Use it wisely."

The timing was perfect, because I got called to serve as an actor for the third year in a row at the Holy Week Retreat. I was given the role of Mary Magdalene, which was the same role I had when I first served in 2017. I was so surprised, that despite all of the challenges and changes that I had been going through since Lent began, God gave me this huge opportunity to serve Him again through my core gift. Upon receiving the monologue, I found myself in tears not just because of how much emotion the piece had, but because of the possible reasons why God had given me all this, both the opportunities and the challenges.

I was still so hung up on my personal concerns that sometimes, I didn’t focus much on service. It came to the point that I thought I had already memorized my monologue, but once I got up onstage on the day of rehearsal, no word would stick. Anxiety kicked in, especially because I had promised that I would have this memorized. So I ended up spending most of the night before my Easter performance memorizing and rehearsing. I had to stop overthinking and I had to focus. And trust in Him.

He never left my side. Even during the times when I was running the piece in my head and kept tearing up because of the extreme emotions, He was there.

On the day of the Grand Easter Feast, He left me with a message, through the Word that Bene had shared backstage before our prayer before service. It was exactly about the monologue I was about to perform, when Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and found that Jesus’ body had disappeared. Bene had described that Mary held the linen that was used to wrap Jesus’ body, and was clinging on to it. I felt goosebumps when he said the word “cling”, because that was my super objective (yes, I’m getting technical in terms of script analysis). Bene went on to say that Mary was clinging to the “fact” that someone might have took Jesus’ body. She was clinging on to that fact that Jesus was dead, that she didn’t recognize Jesus when He appeared to her, and mistook Him for the gardener.

Mary was clinging on to past graces, not letting them go. Because of that, she couldn’t accept the new graces, one of which was the fact that Jesus had risen and is alive.

I was clinging on to a reality that I was so used to. I was used to this specific circumstance, that I didn’t know how to accept how things should be now.

At the end of the monologue, from mourning to joy, Mary shouts that Jesus is alive, throwing the linen up in the air, letting it go.

That is something that I still have yet to learn now, to let go of the past graces, and to restart.

Little by little, I’ll get there.

This entire Lenten season was a season of changes, challenges, and lessons.

I just need to see all of this through.

And in time, I will be okay.