Still trying to be nice.

A friend told this to me a few days ago, after ranting about something I had just observed.

"I like it that you're mean, Hogi."

I guess it means that I've shown people that I'm human (hahaha). I've been a human doormat for almost my entire life. I was too nice. Hardly anyone had seen me mad or annoyed or upset.

While everyone was being plastic around me, I shrugged them off. I hated it, but I didn't want to do anything about it so I don't have to cause any more trouble. But I also learned to be plastic. While they show off that they're all look like Little Miss Sunshine 24 hours a day and then turn away with a different attitude, I just smile. Kung plastic ka, mas plastic pa ako sa iyo.

When someone was harassing me for something that wasn't even my fault, I apologized for the a-hole, when both these people should be apologizing to me. I shouldn't have done that. It still seemed like I was the one at fault. So when the harassment continued, I decided to not do anything. "People like that enjoy it more when you react." So deadma. There. They got sick of it. Nagsawa rin kayo no? The apology suddenly came years after.

"Masyado kang mabait, Hogi," more people tell me. Naman, ang hirap magpakatotoo sa mga mundong yun na ginalawan ko eh. Kaibigan ko nga ba talaga sila? O nagpapasikat lang ang mga ito?

When I finally learned to wear my heart on my sleeve, I felt so much better. I was with friends who were on the same wavelength. They can read me like a book. Di na ako plastic, though I was pretty transparent (hahaha, labo). I guess I was having a hard time para magpakatotoo because I was such a people-pleaser. I wanted to be in that in-crowd. Jeez. That sounded so pathetic.

It's so funny every time I sit down and talk with these friends of mine. It made me easier to know who are the people I can trust. I learned how to open up as well as let out some steam. I used to clam everything up, but now I'm learning. I used to be so secretive, that I never even shared a bit of advice. Now I begin those with, "I may be wrong, but..."

But sometimes, I suddenly go on auto-pilot. Nagiging madaldal ako. "Mag-ingat ka, baka kung sino na ang natatamaan mo." Eep. One more lesson to learn. Even if you stop being a people-pleaser, you still have to learn to be tactful.

Yep, it's not only in a few aspects where you have to learn and unlearn things. It's something we all do every day.

OK, this kind of post means I have to get some sleep now. Hahaha.