Time really does help.

When I took a peek at my Facebook memories today, I saw a post that I re-shared back in 2020. It was right before the pandemic struck, and during that time, I was somewhat near the end of a stage of depression, hence the post.

It said, “Picture this, 5 years from now, tatawanan mo na lang lahat ng setbacks at failures mo, and realize that God’s always been with you through ups and downs kaya mo kinakaya. He’s faithful even when we’re not.”

Very interesting.

How timely to come across that because it reminded me of a book that I read when I was in my early years of high school. The book was written as if you were reading the diary of a girl–written in first person, dates instead of chapters, and the font was like the girl’s handwriting. If you’re familiar with The Baby-Sitters Club book series in the 1990s, this was a spin-off series called The California Diaries.

Anyway, I digress. I remember that in one of the books, the main character said that journals are important to her. You write about your experiences, your feelings, everything that had happened. True, it felt like the end of the world while something bad was happening at that moment, and you wished that it would all just go away, and disappear. Or sometimes, you would wish that you could immediately get over that. Then years later, when you read what you’ve written, you’ll realize that you eventually survived those bad things that happened to you.

Going back to that Facebook post that I re-shared, it also reminded me of what I did last Friday when I had a lot of downtime at work. For some reason, I found myself looking at my old blogs from many many years ago. I found funny anecdotes with friends, my life in theater, love, heartache, and the best part of it all was closure, peace, and contentment.

For years, even prior to the pandemic, I prayed for peace of mind. And just last Friday, that was when I realized that I finally got that answered prayer. I didn’t realize that I’ve had that for months now, and I was already laughing with some friends about old issues that I now finally let go of.

So yes, friends, if you’re stuck in a rut right now, that is perfectly okay. Acknowledge any pain or other negative emotions. Don’t rush into feeling better, because you’ll just end up feeling impatient and frustrated. Give it time, and eventually, you’ll get there.

It feels really great to write things down again.

Just wanted to add this photo of Diego chillin' for effect, hahaha.

2023 in restrospect.

It’s been years since I last wrote a proper blog post online. I figured that since it’s the beginning of a brand-new year, I thought I would try to get back into writing again.

I kind of missed writing annual retrospect posts, so this could be a good time to do so. (Even though I'm publishing it at the end of the month of January.

My word of the year for 2023 was “onward.” It resonated a lot for me because the definition is “to move further on in place or time”. In a way, I pretty much did, in terms of my career and my personal goal.

Let’s start with how I moved onward in my career.

I was already actively searching for a way to grow in my career even before the year 2023 began, but I couldn’t seem to find one right away. An opportunity finally opened up sometime near the end of January for a position in learning and development in a different company, and I immediately did all things necessary to move from one company to another while I was already rendering hours for my last month.

The shift from being a teacher to a trainer was quite challenging. As a newbie trainer, one of my coworkers told me that there is a big difference between a teacher and a trainer. With the guidance of my supervisor, coworkers, and most especially my mentor and fellow pacesetters, I swiftly adapted. The biggest challenge I had was having to deal with paperwork and deliverables, something that was my waterloo five years before. It took months of getting used to, but once I got the hang of it, I began to feel more at ease. As an extrovert, the easiest part was talking in front of people, especially when the topics were about something that I’m passionate about. As someone who was from the theatre industry, I had no problem dealing with nerves, possibly because I’m used to getting that nervous feeling, and translating that nervous energy into the art of gab. Wow, that sounded cocky, LOL. But yeah, imagine how I put extra effort into sitting still and having to accomplish all the deliverables at the end of the day.

As the days, weeks, and months rolled by, I was getting used to having a “normal” day shift that was different from what I was used to for the past several years. Even tolerating the rush hour crowd became bearable, especially at the end of every day. In my previous jobs, I was known for clocking out exactly on time. When I got the hang of my current job, I learned how to manage my time without using my strict ways, and sometimes even welcomed distractions (but not too much) while working on my deliverables, just so I don’t have to drive myself crazy with the evening rush hour crowd. I learned to be a little more chill, yet still set appropriate deadlines for myself.

Now that I’m a regular employee at my current job, I continue to move onward.

In terms of one of my personal goals, moving to a job that supported my dancing helped a lot. I was sick of worrying about whether my leaves would get approved or not (sometimes even at the last minute), or if I still have enough leaves without having to use them for holidays (which I still firmly believe is illegal), or most importantly, if I have enough budget for my classes and competition expenses.

Once I got regularized at work, I had everything all planned out, and by then, I was gearing up for the 4th quarterly national dancesport competition. I didn’t really want to experience another mishap like what had happened the year before. Getting resources this past year was easier, as I realized that the more people you know, the more resources you have. I finally managed to obtain a nice gown I could call my own, even though it was secondhand. I didn’t have to panic about where to get new shoes, because I easily placed an order from where I ordered the previous year. And of course, because of the hair and makeup fail last year, I kept making sure this was intact and set.

One more thing that I made sure of was securing paid leaves to make way for practice time. This was easier than I thought, but what I didn’t expect was the flu season. Even though I filed two weeks’ worth of leaves, I got sick on week one. It took me a long time to recover, but once I felt that I was okay enough to practice, I was back in the studio. I masked up and still showed up.

On the day of the competition, I easily had my hair and makeup done at a reasonable time. It was fortunate that I only had to walk to a unit one floor above me just to get this done. It was quite different from the panic I felt the year before when the person who promised to do my hair and makeup bailed at the last minute.

In hindsight, I realized that just because I learned from the year before about prep time doesn’t mean just working out what went wrong then. You also need to find ways to do better. Because we became lax with my preparation, we were so chill in the holding area that we didn’t exactly go back to the dance floor to warm up prior to our event. I think we got complacent with the fact that we already practiced on the actual dance floor the day before.

All in all, my dancesport competition experience in 2023 was better than the year before. We entered 2 of our previous events—Grade D (slow waltz, tango), Special Event 2C (slow waltz, tango, slow foxtrot)—and one more event—Combined Age 80 (slow waltz, tango, slow foxtrot). I was still kind of nervous, of course, probably because I believe that I didn’t put in enough practice due to sickness, but I still gave it my best and enjoyed myself. I had that good feeling that I one-upped my past self because even though I still have a lot to improve on, I still was better than before. For the first time, we had ranked over one couple that ranked over us in our other event. Even though that said something for me, I knew that our actual competition was ourselves.

As I continue to move onward in my dancesport journey, I continue to improve myself.

When I was discerning what my word for the year 2024 would be, I wanted to make sure that it will be something that really resonates. As I was flipping through reels on Instagram, I came across a reel that let us screenshot what our word could be.

Boom, the word came out. RESONATE.

As a verb, resonate means “to continue to have a power effect or value”. Upon further reading in the Cambridge online dictionary, “If you resonate with something, it feels true or has meaning for you”.

I want 2024 to have more meaning, more breakthroughs, more adventures, and more stories.

It’s time to resonate.

Walking on water.

 “That was lifetimes ago.”

One Friday evening in June, I got to catch up with an old friend via phone call. What was supposed to be a quick call evolved into a long conversation that lasted for over an hour.

“Kumusta?” “How are you?”

How much can you tell a friend that you have not talked to in over a decade? I was tongue-tied. Where do I start?

I’ve known Adjeng since we first met at one of my OJT stints in theater. She was one of the actors in our show, and I was the (relatively) quiet college kid. We met again a few months later when I was working for an acoustic concert series for a common friend’s band, and her own band was the front act of each show.

I didn’t know it until then, but I was darn glad that she was part of the event. I was going through a really rough patch, and she became my confidante.

Fast forward to two decades later, and there we were, talking on the phone. Talking about what I went through at that time. And we were laughing about it. LAUGHING. And to think that back in 2003, I was a huge mess that it took a while to muster a smile to show that I was trying to be professional. We grew up. It just happened. I forgave certain people long before they even apologized. And in the process, I also forgave myself.

“That was lifetimes ago.”

I had to laugh when I said that. Because that’s what it felt like. I am now so different from that quiet, awkward girl in 2003. She hid in the corner of every rehearsal room during choreo days, and panicked at the slightest thing. She would melt into the floor, especially when her heart got crushed.

In a way, and in time, she grew up.

She did things that scared her. She learned how to dance, she conquered her extreme case of stage fright, and even learned how to face an audience that was bigger than she ever thought possible. She renewed her Catholic faith and dedicated her time and talent to service.

Her heart, despite the dents and bruises, managed to get through so much.

When we think back about those times when we felt that the world was falling apart, we suddenly realize, as we look back at them, that all that is finally over. What we thought we couldn’t do, we did. We got over things, and even people. We got through all those.

With faith in Him and in ourselves, we survived.

We walked on water.

I like the term "walking on water." After I told Adjeng over the phone about what I had been up to, she mentioned that she had finished a song that she was planning to release, and she got even more excited about it. When I listened to the song for the first time, it really spoke to me. It reminded me of how many times I was so afraid of everything before I started leaping into my courage zone. I stepped in faith and out of my comfort zone, and walked on water.

Quarantine Quandary.

On the day they first announced that Metro Manila will be under enhanced community quarantine, I panicked. I was staying in a condo in Makati with roommates, and my manager had announced that we will start working from home the following day. I hurriedly packed my laptop, phone, and wallet in my bag, leaving a lot of my clothes and other stuff behind, and took the first bus back home to the south.

It was actually pretty easy for me to adjust to the home-based work setup during the first weeks of quarantine. I didn’t have to wake up earlier than my usual, so I chopped off a lot of my prep time and commuting time. I also got to save quite a lot of money because I didn’t have to spend on transportation and eating out so much, because groceries were a family expense. Of course, I had to struggle with a few issues as well, such as internet connection using my own laptop, and background noise due to family members talking in the background, my dog barking, and random vehicles passing by outside. Eventually, I had to request for a desktop from the office, so I pretty much had it easy by then.

As an ambivert, I pretty much enjoyed the quarantine life. Sure, it can be crazy sometimes knowing that I can’t be able to step outside the house for a random catchup date with a friend over coffee, but we managed to find ways online through Facebook Messenger chat and Zoom video calls. Eventually I also managed to satiate my yearning for activity, creativity, and even church service by making live dance fitness videos, singing collaborations, and whipping up different ways of making coffee in the kitchen. When I needed alone time, I just holed myself up in my room, reading or watching videos on YouTube or Netflix.

Since my parents are already senior citizens, going out of the house was a bigger no-no for them. Thank goodness we have Ate Melba around because it made their lives easier, especially when I was still living in Makati. She was the one who did the grocery runs for us. Props to her for always being so game on waking up so early to brave the long lines.

We were pretty much well-adjusted to being in quarantine, that we thought that all we had to do was wait for the time to pass until all lockdown rules are lifted, and we can just try to go back to normal. We thought wrong.

Two months into quarantine, my dad had a heart attack during the wee hours of the morning. It was my mom who found him on the floor, probably on his way to the bathroom. My mom woke me in a panic, and since neither of us could drive, we had to knock on the door of our neighbor who usually drove us if we needed to go somewhere far, or in case of emergencies, and this was a huge one.

After twelve long hours in the emergency room, the test results revealed that Dad has pneumonia, meaning that he was automatically considered a PUI (Person Under Investigation) for COVID-19. He had to stay in the PUI ward in the hospital for observation. Strict hospital rules said that relatives were not allowed to stay with PUI patients to prevent the spread of the virus, so we decided to hire a private nurse in order to be consistently updated.

We returned home with the thoughts of Dad getting better, especially under the watchful eye of the private nurse, who kept us updated every few hours. One small piece of good news later on though, was that his COVID results came out negative.

We lost Dad late the following night due to a second heart attack. I was so stunned that I didn’t even get to cry at all. In fact, I was surprised at how calm I sounded while talking to the nurse and the doctor. In all honesty, I felt lost, but I told myself that I shouldn’t show any signs of weakness in front of my mom. I was so grateful for my brother and my cousin, who walked me through the whole thing. Ate Shang made the necessary phone calls while my mom and I tried to get some rest. 

Dad was taken directly from the morgue to the funeral home for cremation, so the last time I ever saw him was when he was being wheeled out of the emergency room. We got his ashes the following day, and after a mass service with only my mom and me in attendance, we took the ashes into the columbarium of our parish church.

Dad passed away the day before the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima, which happens to be the name of our parish where he had been serving ever since he retired. The parish priest even mentioned how he was quite a devotee of our Mother Mary. I happened to be doing a DIY retreat called 33 Days to Morning Glory, which should have been punctuated by the same feast day. I never mentioned the retreat to him, and now that he's gone, I wished I could have. There were so many things that I've read and learned about our Lady, so many questions that we could have talked about together.

It’s very frustrating to lose a loved one at this time. There were so many extra safety measures in every step that you had to take. Even though there were quite a bunch of tasks that I had to do, resources were limited due to quarantine rules. We had to request a permit to go to the church where the columbarium was. There was no wake for my dad, and no one was allowed to visit us. No one else was there to offer you comforting hugs.

I didn’t really know how to deal with my emotions. I avoided a lot of phone calls and messages because I honestly didn’t know how to respond to them, and to be honest, answering the same questions (“What happened?” “How are you?”) can be very tiresome. I acted perky and somewhat “normal” in group chats, probably because I didn’t really want to be asked those same questions.

Just when I thought I was fully adjusted to quarantine life, I had to adjust to this extreme change. My dad was the one who ran the entire household, from bills to things that needed to be maintained and updated, and more. Now, I had to take the helm.

Dad’s 40th day fell exactly on Fathers’ Day. How appropriate.

I honestly have to say that I’ve been feeling all sorts of negative things that I’ve been kind of silent about until now. I have become more spiritually disconnected, and sometimes I blamed it on certain things about myself, especially since I haven’t been serving lately. My prayers have become half-hearted, possibly because certain prayers remain unanswered (though that may already be an answer already).

I have also been very frustrated with a lot about the world, because it made things a lot harder than it should these past months. I sometimes complained about the little things. I was surprised at how quick my temper was when I lost my internet connection while I was still talking to one of my students at work.

Even though I was being kind of elusive, I am truly thankful for the gift of my friends, family, and my community. I resorted to watching worship nights and live Feasts, quietly leaving a short comment or two. I’m so grateful for everyone who reached out in their own ways to help, and even just prayed for the soul of my dad, or even just sent a simple message. Even though I didn’t really feel like responding, every message was very well appreciated. I am thankful for my Feast family, for those few that I got to talk to when I finally felt like opening up.

I realized that no matter how I tried to isolate myself a little during this dismal time in quarantine, God still managed to crack open the window to let people check in on me and to let the sun shine through.

I am still trying to adjust to this “internal” new normal in my life. Little by little, I’m going back to where I left off. Even though it seems that I look okay on the outside, I sometimes have that little yearning for that comfort that I had before to tell me that things will just be all right.

On Lent, changes, and challenges.

I can’t count how many times I’ve tried to write this, and then find myself staring into space. I still have no idea how to start this entry, let alone write it.

This entire Lent had been quite the trying time for me. There were quite a few changes, plus some challenges that sometimes left me in tears. Yet, I still tried to look for the little good things in everyday, no matter crummy most days were.

At the beginning of Lent, I was already facing certain changes along with challenges. There were some things that I didn’t expect, and some things that I had to face the consequences to.

The first major change that happened was at the very beginning of March, when I had to move from Las Pinas to Makati because of necessity. I work in Ortigas with a shift that begins at 5:00 in morning, and the commute can be quite a challenge. Fortunately, a close friend offered a house to share.

It was all different and new to me, learning how to live independently for the first time, along with a friend in close contact with all the time. It brought challenges outside our friendship, because I already knew from the beginning that people will talk. There were also challenges within our friendship, which I have been dealing with for quite some time now. We live, but we learn.

Speaking of learning, I learned that being a good leader has so many ups and downs. I love it when we share our successes. But it's still tough when you feel as if your leadership and your commitment is being questioned. I started asking myself if I was still effective as a leader. I somewhat crashed, because there were already a lot of challenges that were going on in my life that time, and this also came into the picture. But again, we learn to communicate, and more importantly, we still learn.

Another change this Lent was in terms of relationships. When a given circumstance changes, sure enough, a lot of things will change as well. When a close relationship gets distorted, it can lead to a lot of repercussions. Certain situations can either draw two people even closer together, or it may even push them further apart.

I just didn’t realize that it’s possible that both can happen in quite a short time.

Because of the new circumstances, we take necessary actions. And sometimes, or even usually, the actions leading to a brand new setup and situation is not in our favor.

I was assured that this would only be temporary. Because of that assurance, I ended up being more clingy, needy, and impatient, that sometimes I become less sensitive that the other party may also be going through other things apart from what had happened between us. I had learned that not everything is about me.

I know there are easy and quick ways around this, but being quite the persistent (or maybe stubborn) person, I am still determined to see this through. There had been a lot of setbacks and arguments along the way, but I am slowly adjusting, little by little.

There are days that I find myself quietly sitting in my room, mulling over things that had happened, and then I would end up in tears. But then I would also find myself scrambling for a journal that I had been keeping this entire Lent. Everyday, I scribble something good that had happened that day, no matter how major or little it was.

I was also reminded by a friend that this is not the time to overthink things. “Binigay sayo yung oras na yan para ayusin mo yung sa sarili mo. Hindi para ayusin yung sa inyo. Use it wisely."

The timing was perfect, because I got called to serve as an actor for the third year in a row at the Holy Week Retreat. I was given the role of Mary Magdalene, which was the same role I had when I first served in 2017. I was so surprised, that despite all of the challenges and changes that I had been going through since Lent began, God gave me this huge opportunity to serve Him again through my core gift. Upon receiving the monologue, I found myself in tears not just because of how much emotion the piece had, but because of the possible reasons why God had given me all this, both the opportunities and the challenges.

I was still so hung up on my personal concerns that sometimes, I didn’t focus much on service. It came to the point that I thought I had already memorized my monologue, but once I got up onstage on the day of rehearsal, no word would stick. Anxiety kicked in, especially because I had promised that I would have this memorized. So I ended up spending most of the night before my Easter performance memorizing and rehearsing. I had to stop overthinking and I had to focus. And trust in Him.

He never left my side. Even during the times when I was running the piece in my head and kept tearing up because of the extreme emotions, He was there.

On the day of the Grand Easter Feast, He left me with a message, through the Word that Bene had shared backstage before our prayer before service. It was exactly about the monologue I was about to perform, when Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and found that Jesus’ body had disappeared. Bene had described that Mary held the linen that was used to wrap Jesus’ body, and was clinging on to it. I felt goosebumps when he said the word “cling”, because that was my super objective (yes, I’m getting technical in terms of script analysis). Bene went on to say that Mary was clinging to the “fact” that someone might have took Jesus’ body. She was clinging on to that fact that Jesus was dead, that she didn’t recognize Jesus when He appeared to her, and mistook Him for the gardener.

Mary was clinging on to past graces, not letting them go. Because of that, she couldn’t accept the new graces, one of which was the fact that Jesus had risen and is alive.

I was clinging on to a reality that I was so used to. I was used to this specific circumstance, that I didn’t know how to accept how things should be now.

At the end of the monologue, from mourning to joy, Mary shouts that Jesus is alive, throwing the linen up in the air, letting it go.

That is something that I still have yet to learn now, to let go of the past graces, and to restart.

Little by little, I’ll get there.

This entire Lenten season was a season of changes, challenges, and lessons.

I just need to see all of this through.

And in time, I will be okay.

My FISH story

Last Sunday, February 10^th, Father Mike talked about conversion. With the Gospel being about the Apostles catching more fish than they had expected, he used the letters of the word “FISH” as a very suitable acronym for conversion, meaning Fascination, Invitation, Sense of Unworthiness, and Humble Submission.

My friend, JC, who is a fellow servant in the Feast Mall of Asia Music Ministry, recently shared his own FISH story and posted it online. His story inspired me to write my own.

FASCINATION

I first heard about the Feast from my mentor, whom I fondly call Mommy Val. She had mentioned it quite a few times that she attended the Feast on Sundays, saying once that when she brought her daughter (who was my age), the talk was very appropriate for her. I was intrigued, but back then I was more than content having my Sundays to myself. Yet, part of me was curious about the talks because Mommy Val mentioned Bro Bo Sanchez quite a few times during our training’s lecture time with my fellow dance scholars every Saturday.

INVITATION

I was all set to have an entire 4-day weekend to myself for Holy Week of 2014. Then a couple of weeks prior, Mommy Val invited us scholars to Bo Sanchez’s Holy Week Retreat. Only 5 of us showed interest. We spent the Holy Week like an actual retreat, with just 5 of us staying in one house, and then we joined Mommy Val and her family in PICC in the mornings for the retreat. My first Feast was huge, because it was the Grand Easter Feast. I was enamored by the talks and the worship. Watching the worship team sing with such passion, I was inspired, and I told myself that someday, I will be where they were standing.

SENSE OF UNWORTHINESS

Even after I left my position with the scholars, I continued going to the Feast. I didn’t care even if I went alone. I realized that the talks were things I needed to hear, when I was quite used to hearing only things I merely wanted to hear. I was helping myself by still bringing myself to the Feast every Sunday, even though I was at my low points. Ever since I changed paths in 2015, I felt as if I had no direction, so I kept going to the Feast and there I would feel refreshed and inspired. Whenever I felt lost, it seemed as if the talks pushed the right buttons.

HUMBLE SUBMISSION

After my somewhat random beginning as a servant-actor back in 2015, I am still serving, now as part of the music ministry, mostly with the Feast Mall of Asia Chorus. My growth in the ministry had been quite challenging, because looking back, I knew that one of my first objectives to serve in the music ministry was out of mere vanity when I was starting out. I gradually realized that everything happens in its own time, and things may not turn out as I had expected. I had not been elevated as expected when the opportunity came 2 years ago. He gave me an even bigger task--to learn how to lead, and to learn how to make new leaders as well within our ministry. And hey, as it turns out, God had a different reason to put me up on that huge stage that I was looking at during the Grand Easter Feast 2014. It had come full circle when it was also for the Holy Week Retreat, not only once, but twice (hello, Mary Magdalene 2017 and Mother Mary 2018).

So, what’s your FISH story?

2018 in retrospect.

I used to write annual retrospective blogs before. Until I stopped blogging. Now it’s high time to get my feet wet and start writing again.

I always think of a word as a theme to set the brand-new year on a very good note.

2016 was Courage.

2017 was Passion.

For 2018, I chose Excellence.

I remember when I was writing those 3 words using a cheap watercolor set at the beginning of 2017.

But for some reason, all three words were perfect for each year.

At the beginning of 2018, I instantly agreed with my 2017 self to go along and use “Excellence.” I had no idea back then how I was going to do it, but I decided I should just trust myself.

And of course, to trust God as well.

But quite frankly, I wasn’t feeling very optimistic at all in the beginning. I was only a little over 2 months into my new job as a research officer in a background checking company, but I was not really that happy with my work. I felt that my performance was always mediocre, or even a bit lower than that. It was obvious that the job was not for me, but I was too stubborn to see it back then because I had resigned from a very cushy part-time job where I had stayed for 7 years.

I was feeling very complacent with everything for the first couple of months of the year, just waiting for things to happen.

A Mother Mary monologue.

By March, like the year before, I was being called to serve again as an actor for the Holy Week retreat. If in 2017, I performed a monologue as Mary Magdalene, for that year, I had to perform a brand new monologue, this time as Mother Mary. In Filipino. Apparently, since the talk for Good Friday was about prayer languages, we had to perform in different languages. One actor had to perform in English, I got the Filipino piece, and another had to do it in sign language.

It was a more challenging performance compared to the year before in so many levels. First, the whole stage setup was facing the entire audience of SM MOA Arena, while the year before was a theater-in-the-round where I was only facing one side. Second, the character was more emotionally challenging. Every time I read the piece, I couldn’t help but burst out crying. Thanks to the guidance of Kuya Paolo as our director and the support of my fellow servant-actors, I managed to control myself. And again, just like the year before, I requested to have the teleprompter turned off because seeing the script always makes me nervous. I was nervous enough already standing on my own in front of the enormous crowd. But I knew that I wasn’t really alone onstage. I knew the Holy Spirit was there with me.

As I always do for every performance, I offered that piece to the late Bro. Ceci Hojilla, a La Salle brother who asked me many years ago as to when he would see me onstage.

I thought there was nothing that could top the Mary Magdalene performance. But Someone knew I could do better. The Mother Mary performance proved it to me.

Teaching English.

In the meantime, my performance at work was quite the opposite. I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing, and I even dreaded sleeping early on Sunday nights, because it would make Monday come sooner. It came to the point that I wanted to contract a really serious illness, or run into an accident, because I wanted to have a valid excuse to not go to work. Yes, it was that bad.

I had confided in a few select people about how I felt, and they agreed that the job was not aligned with my strengths. I already knew it when it was only my third month with them and I was already searching for a new job online.

After 8 months into my job at that time, I attempted to talk to my superior, and it took a week of convincing, but I was already rendering for my final month, as I found another line of work that I thought I could enjoy.

At the beginning of the second half of 2018, I resigned from a job that I realized I could not handle, and found myself in an ESL (English as a Second Language) company. And right from the beginning, I already knew that I was going to enjoy myself in something I love doing. I love the English language, and I love communicating and connecting with people. Yes, I finally found something I really love.

A couple of changes came along at that very same time.

Chorus head.

First, because our chorus head, Zach, got promoted to music ministry head alongside the existing head, Rex, he needed to appoint a new chorus head or two. And I was one of the people he chose. I was content with being a service coordinator all this time, probably because I was used to the same tasks when I had the same coordinator position in the Gateway program of Feast Bay Area’s Music Ministry. He first appointed Dennis and me as co-heads of the chorus, and by then I was already questioning myself if I really do have the capacity of being a leader.

What’s more, a month after being appointed, Dennis had decided to look for work in the Middle East, leaving me to find someone to replace him. It was quite a challenge, but after some careful selection and discernment, I finally found a co-head in Nat, who really proved himself when he least expected it.

I had some very big shoes to fill, becoming Zach’s successor. He had instilled a culture of family in the chorus, and he was a very kind and lenient leader. Being raised to be a stickler for rules, I had a different attitude. When he was still the chorus head and I was the active service coordinator, we played good cop, bad cop. Obviously, he was the good cop, and I was the bad cop. I was the one who pointed out certain things, and he had to cascade it to everyone in a kinder way. I was always the discipline officer to Zach’s guidance counselor. I didn’t know what to do with the herd he just handed down to me. I never saw myself as a leader, and there I was, being called to lead a big group of people who wanted to sing and worship the Lord in the way they knew how. Even until now, I have so many shortcomings as a co-head. I had to ask for prayers, but I knew I already had the answer in the core team where we were raising our leaders.

A mass singer.

What happened alongside stepping up as the chorus head was stepping up as well in service. I experienced immersion as a mass singer once back in late 2017, and by the middle of 2018, we were finally assigned to respective teams as their designated mass singers. I got assigned to Kuya Mond’s team, the same team I had my immersion with. Right from the start of service with them, they were the most welcoming and supportive group, and they treated us newbies like family. I felt so blessed to serve with them every month. I know I still have a long way to go when it comes to my singing, but I know I will grow even more in service because of them.

Retreat, reconvene, reset.

Just when I thought things were pretty smooth sailing, I had challenges with certain relationships. And one of them happened to be a good confidant, one of my closest, if not the best, friends in our ministry. I honestly didn’t know how to deal with my own emotions, and there were times when I would be either out of control, or I would just burst into tears. I always find it difficult when a very close friendship gets strained.

But I guess one of the best things that helped us was honesty, clarity, and honesty. It took some time to retreat, then after a little more time, we reconvened, and after talking, we did a complete reset. Hey, I like that. Retreat, reconvene, and reset. But anyway, I was glad we were pretty honest with each other. I can pretty much say that what happened was one of my biggest lessons of 2018, because there are some things I cannot control, but only learn how to deal with. And that helps you to grow as a person.

Spending my birthday in service.

Fast forward to the last quarter of the year. I had previously mentioned that there are things that I cannot control, and once I heard the lyrics of “Have Your Way”, a new song by Feast Worship that came out last year, I knew that that song was speaking to me in more ways than one. In fact, the song also summed up what I went through in terms of the relationship with the aforementioned confidante.

"Take away what’s not from You

Empty my heart and make it new

When there are things I can’t control

Help me trust in the unknown

Take what’s not for me to hold

Empty my heart and make it whole

Lead me to where I should be

Show me things that I can’t see

Oh my King whose voice the stars obey

Let Your will be done, Lord, have your way..."

Feast Worship songs were being used constantly ever since the album came out. One birthday wish I had was for that particular song to be included in the mass lineup during my service in December, my birthday month. Wish granted, it really was included. And to think that it was my actual birthday on the Sunday of my service as mass singer. But rehearsal day came, and I was afraid that if I was given a solo for the song, I might not be able to give it justice. I cracked under the pressure I gave myself. But I was still happy enough to get to sing part of the song that I wanted to sing on my birthday.

So I celebrated my 37^th birthday by serving with the music ministry at the Feast. It was really a birthday to remember. Again, I still have a long way to go in terms of my singing ability. But it was truly a birthday blessing for me to listen and sing a song that spoke to me so much, alongside a very talented and supportive worship team and chorus team, regardless of how scared and insecure I was about my singing. They all inspire me to do my best in all that I do in service.

After the Feast, there was a Christmas party for the Feast Mall of Asia servants. There was a part in the program when Bro Didoy had us choose a partner and share our answer to one question.

“When was the time that you felt loved at the Feast?”

I couldn’t help but feel emotional because that day was pretty appropriate for that question. Maybe it was just because it was my birthday, but I felt really loved that day. I felt the warmth and support of the music ministry, from the chorus up to the worship team. I felt very self-conscious every time they would start up a round of the “Happy Birthday” song, though.

What more, a couple of groups of friends threw their own little birthday surprises for me. These groups are very close to my heart, and they made the efforts to make my day a little extra.

During a fellowship with my best confidants at the end of the year, we talked about what were our biggest lessons and blessings of 2018. I can honestly say that everything I wrote here are the biggest lessons and blessings that I received in my year of excellence.

2018 wasn’t a year of excellence entirely. Not all my actions to excel were deliberate, almost always hesitant. But I guess what made it excellent was that every little thing that happened all throughout the year were all stepping stones to that excellence.

This 2019, I welcome a brand new year of opportunities, blessings, and everything else that is yet to come my way. With a passionate heart, I enter 2019 with tenacity.