Recent musings. On identity, exploring core gifts and more.

I remember one time during the last week of the Virgin Labfest, when Patsy and I were sitting outside the Conference room, just waiting to watch the staged reading that Tad, Aldo, and Mayen were in, and I shared a thought that came to my mind while I was on my way to CCP that day. Without fail, whenever I come across an old friend from when I used to frequent the place, either because of my involvement in a show, or an involvement with someone, people will always find the opportunity to tease me to that one particular ex-boyfriend. Sometimes no matter what I do, I will always carry the label of "ex-girlfriend" whenever I'm in the area.

To be quite honest, even though I'm totally over it, it's getting really annoying. I mean, don't I have my own identity? Was I just the girlfriend back then? I did work there before, right? I even worked there even before we became an item. Why can't I be know as just that--that I used to work for Labfest and TP? Is it because I'm only memorable as the ex-girlfriend instead of a former ASM or production staff?

I sure wish that I'd be known for something I'm good at. Like... Well, I honestly have no idea, hahaha. Maybe for my recently-improved acting skills (yeah, right)? Or my one-time venture into dancing?

Speaking of dancing, part of me still wants to get back in that. Well, not as much as before. But I just don't want to get rusty.

The other week, I got to go to Dancing Queen in Makati Cinema Square again. Patsy was supposed to have a little ballroom dancing stint at a TV show (which fell through at the last minute) so I wanted to show her some of the dancing that I love. It was actually perfect timing, because Joms, Kim, and some of the other dancers under Sir Leo were there practicing for the national mid-year ranking and competition. It was fun watching them dance around and around that big studio, and it made me miss dancing so much.

It was so funny when Joms offered to dance with me when they were done with simulations. I willingly stood up and he led me in dancing the Bronze syllabus of the slow waltz. A rough start, it took me a few moments to adjust my posture, but after that first two figures, the next ones just came back to me naturally.

That did it. I felt it. I wanted to dance again. Should I take the weekly dance classes they have when it resumes next week? Unfortunately, I don't have my Standard ballroom shoes anymore, so I have to save up for new ones, and I really do prefer a custom-made pair for my feet.

Dancing may not be my core gift, but because it's still something I enjoy doing, I'd still want to keep at it.

While I have yet to discover which one really is my core gift, I've been doing a bit of exploring. I guess this is sort of an improvement for me, because I'm not really much of a risk-taker. The only big risk that I was truly proud of was that venture into dancing, which somehow made me a little braver now.

I suck at auditions. Fear always gets the better of me. Right now, I'm kind of regretting that I didn't take more time reading and memorizing that monologue for that one audition last week, so I ended up flaking out at the very last minute. At least I felt a little better at the audition that followed the next day, even though it was a pretty long shot. I didn't really care. I knew I had no chance of getting any role for that show. I just came to tell myself that I have to stop being so afraid of trying out. And it was already quite an experience just getting to sit inside that room and talk with that director.

I don't have much confidence in singing. But once again, I didn't really want to feel that regret of not trying out, so I went to another audition yesterday where we had to sing. It was comforting that I went there with a familiar face that I could talk to, so I didn't feel as nervous as I should. It was also a relief that I knew and had worked once before with the director, so it was a pretty chill audition when my turn came. We just chatted and laughed, I sang a few bars, and we had another round of laughs before I left. I may not have a great singing voice, but at least I'm making an effort to conquer my fear of auditioning.

I do believe it's about time (and maybe even overdue) to stop hiding in the wings, working as production staff, and start trying and doing what I really want to do.

Well, maybe not all the time. I still kind of have this fear of rejection, hahaha. Oh, stop it, Hogi.

Ah, but I had to say that. As a segue to the next topic, hahaha.

"Dito sa pag-conduct ng random surveys ka talaga masasanay at makakapag-deal with rejection," I once mused one morning in the office. My friend cracked up at this quip and said that it was similar to speed dating.

I have my fair share of rejections. Maybe that's why I'm guarding my heart even more now. I may have that "happy crush" that I enjoy the company of, but I don't think I'd want to deal with another rejection right now. Plus there are so many reasons why I "can't" like him. Sure, maybe those "reasons" may be superficial and I'm just making all them up. But well, I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting confused about what I feel again. Which is why I've been keeping myself silent. If ever he may have an inkling of how I feel because of that one conversation we once had, or if ever he may be reading this, please don't let me know, otherwise I'll be burying myself deep under a rock.

"Naghuhumayskul," I told a friend. Eh ganun eh. Minsan lang ako magkagusto sa tao. I don't want to lose my cool again after all those burns I had last year. Maybe this is just a phase, or because we spend a lot of time together with our friends, and we always have good conversations together.

Really?

I need to figure this out.

OK, musings over.

Writing exercise is over for this post. Let's move forward, shall we?

Back to watching the Labfest this year, plus a teeny comeback.

Ever since my first time watching a Virgin Labfest play during its second season, I was hooked. I enjoyed the fact that there's a festival that celebrates brand new plays that had never been staged before, all to be put to the test in front of an audience to see how it fares.

I was very grateful I got the opportunity to be part of that as a stage manager for 2 seasons in a row (Labfest 3 and 4).

I always found a way to watch at least one set of Labfest plays every year. Until last year, when I was so busy that I couldn't even find the time to even drop by CCP. I got kind of depressed when I didn't get to see any plays last season.

I made up for it this year, and even secured a festival pass to guarantee that I get to watch all of the plays.

Considering I had friends who were involved in the Labfest, I found myself sometimes tagging along with them to rehearsals, or just hanging around CCP. By doing so, I was beginning to miss the flurry of activity all over the place that I used to be a part of.

Anyway, as I had secured a Festival pass, it guaranteed me a seat to all Labfest sets during all of the first week. I was pretty glad that the festival now ran for three weeks instead of the usual two weeks so that they could accommodate more people in the audience.

A whole bunch of us from this past summer's workshop almost always came to watch as a group, and we all had our similar favorites. After watching the day's set of plays, we would chill for a little while longer to talk about what we had seen over dinner. We didn't just watch the featured plays in the Labfest, but we also saw the weekly free staged readings in the Conference room.

I have to say, my favorites in the Labfest this year were Hintayan ng Langit, Si Maria Isabella at ang Guryon ng Mga Tala, and When Sam Met Jo.

I especially liked Hintayan ng Langit because it was simple, no frills, witty, and sincere. Real-life dancing couple Edna Vida and Nonoy Froilan were perfect as two souls waiting to go up to heaven, all the while catching up as ex-lovers before marrying other people. And that ending. Simple, but...kaboom.

Si Maria Isabella at ang Guryon ng Mga Tala was written after the children's story "Kite of Stars." It featured the young talented alumni of PHSA, plus the use of marionettes and shadow puppetry. The story may be a young girl's quest to find things to make a giant kite so she can reach the stars, but beyond the surface reveals love unrequited, even after a 60-year journey.

My goodness, these 2 plays got me in tears that I refused to show.

When Sam Met Jo had a little bit of science fiction to it, as Sam had traveled to the past, exactly during the time that his past self had met fellow scientist Jo to protect themselves from a big accident in the future. It was also witty, with Sam going through Mobius loops just so he can convince Jo of what's to become of them. It was fun to watch, I'll tell you that, but half the time, the use of scientific jargon was a tad forced. Other than that, the play was pretty entertaining.

Anyway, that's my take on 3 of my favorite plays in the Labfest, and I'm glad that two out of three of them made it to next year's Revisted set. Congratulations!

On the last day of the Labfest, the Writing Fellowship showcased the works of its participants that were developed during their two-week workshop, and they got volunteer actors to perform them as staged readings. Patsy, Mark and I had submitted our resumes to volunteers, and they were immediately contacted to perform. I lucked out getting in as well the day before the show, as someone had backed out at the last minute.

So there, on the last Sunday of the Labfest, I was in the freezing Conference room as early as 8 in the morning along with the other chosen volunteer actors, the 10 writers in the fellowship, their mentor Sir Glenn, our director Sir Dennis, and our stage manager Micah. A busy day was ahead of us. We spent the morning reading all the 10 plays out loud so that the writers can hear their work for the first time, and we all shared our comments about each play. I have to say, all the plays were equally brilliant, but I do have my favorites.

After lunch, Sir Dennis started blocking the plays in the order of it was read in the morning. He only announced the actors before each play, so we all waited in anticipation. What was hilarious was that he said that I might get angry because of where he had cast me. I ended up getting the part of Sef, a transgender woman in Maria Paiso's Hanggang Saan? along with Gel, who played my character's ex-girlfriend. I didn't really mind being cast as a transgender woman. It was actually quite an interesting challenge. I was even glad to have good rapport with Gel, even though I had only met her once before. We rehearsed the play on our own a few times while Sir Dennis was still blocking the other plays.

Photo courtesy of Patricia Sy.

After blocking all the plays, we headed up to the MKP to prep up. My gosh, there was already a long line outside the Conference room when we went outside. How in the world will everyone fit?

Changed and prepped up in the MKP, then Sir Dennis joined us for a short company call and prayer, and we were ready to go. My goodness, everything was happening so fast that I didn't even have time to panic or be nervous. Not even when I found out that it was more than just a full house inside the Conference room. The playwrights ended up standing just so people can still sit.

By the time I stepped out onstage, I just went with it. Gel was an awesome co-actor, and I went along with what she offered. It was amazing how even performing a short 10-minute play reading could give me a high. I couldn't even believe it when Sir Dennis had said that our play was one of the audience favorites. Thank you so much!

Photo courtesy of Mars Mercado.

I know I had already said this, but thank you so much to everyone involved in the staged reading. To Maria and the other playwrights, thank you for trusting us with your work. Thank you as well to Sir Glenn for helping them bring out the best in their writing, and to Sir Dennis for guiding us to flesh them out in our own simple way. And of course thank you to Gel, the Ivy to my Sef, for being an awesome scene partner.

I got more than I bargained for upon my return immersion in the Labfest and in CCP this year. Hope to make more out of this in the future.