I currently subscribe to this site called The Universe Talks, and every weekday I get inspirational emails from them. One of my favorite messages was:
"One of my favorite things about time and space, Christine, is that absolutely NOTHING can ever happen there that can't be seen as a blessing in some wonderful way."
Once, over dinner with a good friend, we realized that ever since we started serving in the ministry, we grow to have a deeper and broader outlook on life. I myself was surprised to see this realization, as I now view setbacks as mere re-directions instead of the usual rejections.
Every day, no matter how crappy that day may be, I always try to find something good in it. One of my favorite quotes is "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
So let me share some exceptional blessings that came during this quarter of the year.
Livelife retreat.
One blessing would be attending another retreat. Late last month, I attended the Livelife retreat, which was this year's reunion of all Lovelife graduates of the Feast Bay Area. If I had said that the Lovelife retreat was the best weekend I had so far this year, the Livelife ranks a close second. It was great to see my batchmates, both the ones I see often and even some of the ones that I hardly even get to see.
If I could sum up that retreat in one word, it would be INTENSE. Everything defined that, from the worship, to the talks, to the sharing. And it was a great opportunity as well to mingle with people from other batches. I get to see so many of these random faces at the Feast, especially during the SYNC sessions, but I only got to interact with them then. It's nice to finally put names to these faces, and to at least get to say hi to them.
I have to say, other than being intense, that weekend was very refreshing, and recharged me for the days to come. So much good came out of that retreat, and I just didn't realize it until later.
Yes to service.
Last year, I remember something that Brother George said in prayer before our rehearsal for the Kerygma Conference's opening production number. We were called to serve, not because we are the best, but we may be the best choice to help deliver God's message. I was really struck by what he said. There are some instances before that I may question what He wants for me, but this year, I've learned that once you've been called, just saying yes would open up so much blessings than you've ever expected.
So imagine my surprise when I got called to be one of the new service coordinators for FBA music ministry's Gateway program. In all honesty, I didn't expect to be considered. I just wanted to sing as my service to the Audience of One. Alright, I have to admit, I was actually afraid of the responsibility. It was something similar to work I had left last year, which caused my burnout. I was actually all set to say no, but then during a nap, I could hear someone (or Someone) in my head saying "You're not alone." I shrugged it off until I got to listen to an old worship song I last heard 15 years ago. The lyrics of "For The Sake of The Call" struck me so much, I suddenly started crying by the time I had reached the first chorus. After the song, I immediately sent a message and said yes to serving as a coordinator.
The words "reckless abandon" actually struck me the most in the song. I guess this is what this is.
"Nobody stood and applauded them,
So they knew from the start
This road would not lead to fame..."
"Not for the sake of a creed or a cause,
Not for a dream or a promise,
Simple because it is Jesus who called
And if we believe, we'll obey..."
("For The Sake of The Call" by Steven Curtis Chapman)
History repeats itself, for good reasons.
Ever since last year, I always believe that God always brings back similar situations that I had already encountered before. I realized that this usually happens when I never learned the lessons from that certain situation, and God has presented these again to test me.
Sure, the people involved may be different, certain circumstances may have changed, but the actual situation is still there. It's like He's challenging me again, telling me, "You haven't learned the last time. Maybe this time, you'll do the right thing."
If I were the same person as I was before, without a strong faith, I would've been the same psycho and do the same as I had done the last time. In hindsight, I was a stubborn control freak. I wanted things done a certain way because that's what I really wanted to happen, with no consideration or adjustment.
For almost 2 years now, I now noticed how much I've changed and grown, and learned how to deal with these things more differently. If I was a control freak back then, I now let God take control. It's like my go-with-the-flow nature, but only with stronger trust and faith. So even with these hurdles, I still see these challenges as blessings.
"I know I've found the way,
I've finally found the way to let things go,
The past is there to teach you,
Mistakes provide the pain that helps you grow.
So I have healed and I have grown,
At some point I guess you have to
But I don't want to face the world on my own..."
("Ready To Be Loved" from Edges: A Song Cycle, by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul)
These are only a few of the blessings that have come my way these past few months. I know a lot of people say that I'm a very optimistic person, and yes, I do believe I am, because there's really nothing to lose if you look at the positive side of things.
So what if something goes wrong? Look at it another way, and you'll find a solution. It's like those repeat challenges that God keeps on giving me. If I had handled it the same way when I was still a control freak, would that be an improvement? I don't think so.
Looking at it from another angle, by being a little more patient, and by letting God take control, that's what helped me grow.
And that change is what I call a blessing of victory.
It's been over 3 weeks since our Gathering in God (GIG), but I still can't help but feel a high every time I think about how I felt when I served as part of the worship team for that event.
Singing has never been one of my strong points. Don't get me wrong. I love singing ever since I was a kid, but ever since I joined my first musical theater class, I started thinking if it was really for me. I guessed it wasn't. Come every summer, I always push to enroll in a musical theater workshop class, but when my classmates start singing, I clam up. I quietly accepted the fact that I will never be able to sing as well as they can, and I just got contented in cavorting with the rest of the chorus for every musical showcase that we did.
Even when my college friends and I went out for videoke nights, I just sat there watching, never volunteering for a song.
When I started taking summer theater workshops again, I took the basic acting classes, no musicals involved, and kept saying that musicals weren't really my forte despite that one summer of Acting in Musical Theater class.
I just kept all my singing to myself. I closed the door of my bedroom and shyly sang to Broadway karaoke tunes on my computer.
This year changed it all. Like my uncertainty before about dancing, I took a leap and tried out for the Feast Bay Area Music Ministry. I found myself enjoying it, singing in the morning mass sessions every other Sunday.
Our Lovelife batch also formed our own group of musicians and singers upon discovering we had a whole bunch of talented people in the batch. Most of us were mostly composed of fellow batchmates from the music ministry. It felt like a welcome change that no one judged my voice despite its different sound quality compared to theirs. I felt more comfortable singing around them, be it for rehearsals for events (such as our batch's 2-month reunion), or even just random videoke sessions.
Ever since I started admiring those amazing people who led worship during the Feast, I kept wondering what it would feel like to be like them, even just for a small event.
And then suddenly, that opportunity came when I least expected it. Our Lovelife batch, along with Batch 6, had been tasked to organize the monthly GIG for June. We were tasked to get speakers for the assigned topic, market and advertise the event, and all that jazz. And of course, as the event had an opening and closing worship, we needed a worship team. So our batch heads rounded up those of us who served in the music ministry plus a couple more who are musically inclined to from the worship team.
Despite some hurdles along the way, like a speaker having a last minute change of plans, the GIG being moved to a later date, to the new date resulting in the unavailability of certain people, to resorting to an acoustic setup instead of the expected full band setup, somehow things still fell into place, and we still merrily rolled along.
Now, the thing is, even with my active service in the music ministry, I'm still not all that confident with my voice. And there I was, rehearsing to sing in front of a possibly large crowd. I was struggling with certain notes, to the point that when I couldn't reach a certain harmony, I would immediately revert to the simple melody. I was very conscious of myself (and possibly afraid) every time I couldn't get it right.
As we kept rehearsing, my confidence grew, thanks to the encouragement of my friends in the group. But I felt that I was only confident just singing with them.
So many thoughts kept running in my mind before the day of the GIG. What if I went out of tune? What if I did it too loudly on the mic that people would notice how bad it was? What would people say when they hear that? Then so many people will then think of me as the girl who was tone-deaf and was singing all over the place.
Then I stopped. I pushed these thoughts far back in my mind. Don't mind it, I told myself. I am not singing for the audience, no matter how big or small a crowd there will be. I am singing to the Audience of One. Isn't that what this is all about? I reminded myself yet again of Jaya's words during this year's Grand Easter Feast:
"We don't sing because we want applause. We sing because we want Him to be applauded."
On the actual day of the GIG, with that in mind, I felt more relaxed. We met up with Tony, who was to be our worship leader, about an hour earlier than the agreed-upon call time so we could rehearse the songs with him for the first time. I was actually glad that it was Tony who would be leading the worship. I knew that his energy would be so high and contagious.
The sound check got me a little anxious, but I brushed it aside. I mean, nerves are natural, right? And hey, I'm not really used to holding a microphone. So I just hyped myself up instead.
When the event finally kicked off and we were called onstage, it felt different. The nerves were all gone. When I first saw the huge crowd from where I was standing onstage, that did it. The energy from our worship leader, our musicians, my fellow singers, combined with the energy of all the attendees in the room gave me such a rush. I immediately stopped feeling self-conscious about how I sounded and let myself go.
So that was how it felt like. It felt different from all my other onstage performances. Usually, in those performances, I would always consciously think about what the people would think and say about what I was doing. Was I doing it right? Do they like me and what I was doing? Did they know I made a mistake? Will they like me enough to applaud? But during the GIG's worship, none of these thoughts crossed my mind when I was already out there. All I felt was the delight of so many people singing and praising God, and that indescribable feeling of just being out there and doing all that for Him.
The experience gave me the biggest rush I had never felt before. When I first wanted this, it felt like petty vanity. I just wanted to be seen. Then when I was actually out up there onstage, that didn't matter anymore. All I cared about before was forgotten. I was lost in the music, and got swept in His mercy and love. It felt more amazing than any applause I had ever received, because all those shouts and cheers of praise were for that Audience of One.
In hindsight, I realized that I felt more comfortable singing for Him than singing for my desire to be recognized and applauded. I guess this is one of the lessons He wanted to teach me. It was a truly humbling experience for someone who used to feel so invisible and had a crazy desire to be seen, only to learn that you don't really have to perform and be recognized.
"The fear of man strangles us, because we can never please everybody; but the fear of the Lord frees us, because it challenges us to live and serve for an audience of One." - Paul Chappell
Photos courtesy of Cris Legaspi.
I remember when I was younger, I wanted to write a book. But I had no idea what to write about.
As a kid, I remembered rewriting a story of part of a cartoon I had watched, and extended the plot even more with whatever I could embellish the story with. I gathered the handwritten pages and glued them together to form a book, covering it with some basket-weave cloth to make it look like a real bound book.
When I was part of the school library club at 10 years old (yes, I was a nerd), I learned how to make comic books out of our favorite stories. (I can still remember that mine was about a Bobbsey Twins mystery.)
In college, when I started online blogging, there was a time when I want to print all my entries and compile them into a book. But then I thought, who would be interested in all these boring posts about my daily rants and raves about college life?
I remember reading one of Brother Bo Sanchez's books for the first time in college. It was a delightful read. Brother Bo, in writing, was inspiring, brilliant, and witty all at the same time.
I got hooked on reading his books a couple of years ago, when my mentor lent us her copies of his books. When I started attending the Feast in PICC, I noticed that Brother Bo sounded exactly the same as he did in his books.
It wasn't until last year when I had read another book published by Shepherd's Voice that I got inspired to write again, as I had completely stopped for quite a long while. As I read my copy of Cherry Camille Depano's #Hugot, the author sounded like she was a friend that you were just sitting next to, talking over coffee. She sounded like someone that you were just confiding in, and who was ready to deck you so you will come to your senses (because of your flighty and dramatic thoughts on unrequited love), but also ready to comfort you when you're about to lose it.
I then thought to myself, "Hey, I want to write like that. Maybe I could write like that."
Then that thought was immediately pushed back in the dark corners of my mind, dismissed.
Just recently, the same thoughts started crawling back to resurface again.
I used to write in my blog just for myself, to document things that had happened in my life. I didn't even care whether I had an audience or not. I was just using the blog as an outlet for my thoughts. It was therapeutic for me.
I hadn't blogged in months, and as I got inspired to write my last recent entry (from last month) before this, I thought of writing differently. I wanted to write to inspire.
But once again, who the heck am I anyway? I'm not an accomplished person. I'm not that interesting. I may even be boring. I'm not as smart as the others, as experienced as most inspiring people are.
Then again, what if that's what people need? Someone simple, someone relatable.
Whenever I share with my friends the insights brought about by my past experiences, I realized I was sharing things I had learned, be it from my mentors, or from the experiences themselves.
It felt good to share these things with others because it inspired them to do better. They learn as I had from my mistakes and my experiences. But I'm not at all confident in speaking as myself to a crowd. Unlike some people, I wasn't born with the gift of gab. But I do enjoy writing though. I love the written word.
That's when I started thinking again. Should I at least try to write a book about all of this? I once shared this thought to my friend Meg. She kept trying to encourage me, but I still feel so hesitant.
Maybe I'll just write a few anecdotes here and there. A collection of learnings that I have scribbled in so many different notebooks and scraps of paper that I had lost track of where I wrote about what.
We'll see how this writing thing goes.
We'll see.
For now, I'm just exercising my writing skills again. Getting my feet wet.
I have this weird affinity for sunsets. I love the bursts of color it makes in the sky. The fiery reds and oranges, sometimes golds and pinks and the occasional lavender. I remember telling a young colleague a few days ago that I used to chase sunsets during afternoon bike rides in our village, and much prefer them to sunrises.
This past Sunday morning, while I was on a shuttle ride to PICC, I was in such a rush. Due to downpour of rain in our area, I thought I may not make it in time for our service's call time. "Great," I told myself. "It's been a while since I last served in the music ministry, and I'll be late." While this thought kept running in my head, something made me stop as the shuttle coasted into the highway.
Amidst the dark clouds, there in the distance was the golden yellow glow or the sunrise. I just stopped thinking about all my negative thoughts about being late, and just stared in awe because it looked so beautiful. I didn't even bother to bring out my phone to snap a photo of it, and just enjoyed the view. Magical would be the best way to describe it. It looked like in the distance, at the end of Coastal Road, I was heading off to a happy beautiful and magical place that resembled Narnia. Well, I guess I was right about heading to happy place because I was going to PICC for The Feast.
That simple view of the sky at sunrise was a mere simple joy that seemed like a gentle reminder. It reminded me that every once in a while, despite all the hurrying and rush in our lives, we should also stop and appreciate God's beautiful creations. Especially those we take for granted.
And then, surprise, surprise. I make it to the PICC Plenary Hall at exactly 6:44 AM, one minute before call time. The entire ride only took me exactly 22 minutes... And I was the first one to arrive.
Simple joys like this always lift me up no matter what mood I'm in.
Don't rush. Stop every once in a while, enjoy the moment, wait a little, and things you don't even expect will come to you.
If I called 2015 a year of passion, 2016 is about entering my courage zone.
Yes, I'm blogging again, haha. Now let's move forward, shall we?
I will be turning 35 (yes, believe it or not) at the end of this year, so I guess I can say I'm having this midlife crisis ever since my 30s began. Knowing myself, I should be panicking right now, thinking that I'm in my mid-30s and haven't accomplished much in my life. But after all the things I went through since last year, I realized that I don't need to worry about that.
So I may not have direction before. Maybe I still don't have much direction, but now I know I had paved a brand new way. As I keep hearing from so many different people, "The journey is more important than the destination."
There were so many things I wanted to happen before, and what I learned from that is I had put in so much time and effort on things I shouldn't even be focusing on.
I wanted to make money quickly. I got burned out.
I was sick of being single and rushed into psuedo-relationships with guys that weren't right for me. I got my heart burned.
All that changed this year. When I learned to focus on God first, my goodness, so many things were revealed to me. I hadn't noticed these things before, but they were there all along. I was just too distracted with all the things I wanted, that I never noticed the things He knew I needed.
Things started changing drastically after attending Project Courage Zone and the LoveLife retreat early this year.
As I focused on God more, I learned that I'm not alone in this journey. I have friends who are there every step of the way. God directed me to the right people I needed to be with, and drove me away from the toxic ones I kept coming back to. These people made me realize that it's all right to be myself, that I can simply be comfortable in my own skin, especially with them. And with them also came so many amazing lessons.
I learned how to take certain risks, not just for my self-improvement, but to take risks I was once too afraid or too shy or too inhibited to do for His glory.
I was afraid to start over, and I re-learned so much from things that I've already heard before.
I was afraid to sing in public, and I joined the music ministry.
I was afraid of facing an audition, and I performed.
I was always intrigued with gossip, and I shut my mouth and filtered what I say and hear.
I hated being pressured and ridiculed about my single life at this age, and I went with people who embraced who I am regardless of my relationship status.
I was always concerned about pleasing everyone, and I stopped wasting time and effort once I had done my best and not let it affect me.
One of my take-aways from Project Courage Zone was this:
"Do not underestimate yourself by comparing yourself with others. It is our differences that make us unique and beautiful."
I can't believe how simple decisions such as saying yes and going into your courage zone can make a huge difference.
Today, I feel much more comfortable as an individual. I'm an active member of my LoveLife batch. I take pride in serving in The Feast Bay Area's music ministry, but I don't sing to get applause. I sing because I want Him to be applauded.
As I still wander about in this crazy life of mine, I may not have gone as far as I had expected, but that's okay. What matters is that my story has changed, so I can live courageously.
It may not look like it, but I can proudly say that I'm in my mid-30s.
Midlife crisis?
I prefer to call it midlife CHRIST-sis.
As I focus on Him more, that's when the breakthroughs come.
"I shovel out, and God shovels in, but He has a bigger shovel than I do."
Satisfy Your Valentine's Hugot Needs with Ampalaya Monologues
We know how hard it is to be single on Valentine's Day so we're here to help you out. Ampalaya Monologues is closing its first volume with two last hugot events this Valentine's weekend. The hit show that tells different stories of love, heartaches and bitterness is back and will feature the best monologues from the first volume that are sure to make you laugh, cry and even leave you inspired.
Written by Mark Ghosn and performed by TAP! (Theater in Alternative Platforms), the event will also feature spoken word performances by Rod Marmol (Utot Catalog), Jake Habitan (White Wall Poetry), Roch Lazarte and Jihads Mambuay (Words Anonymous) and more, musical performances by Suicidal Genius, Happy Monday People and Coeli San Luis, with live arts by Tyang Karyel and an open mic session as well.
Ampalaya Monologues is happening on February 13 and 14, 4PM at Splice Resto Bar, Edsa Central, Greenfield District. Tickets are at 200PHP with free drink. For details and reservations, visit www.facebook.com/AmpalayaMonologues.
It's a brand new year, and usually at this time, I'd be churning out an annual retrospective blog entry. I would flip through my old entries and take it from there. But the thing is, I never blogged during the first quarter of last year. I microblogged sometimes, but still, not as often as now.
So I'll play it by ear as I write this entry. Just a little warning, this will be long. I will also be quoting stuff from The Single Woman by Mandy Hale, a book I recently read which fit each quarter of the year.
"Be prepared to do things differently."
That was one of the best things I heard last year. I heard it during a discussion on creativity during last summer's workshop. And I took it with me the whole time.
2015 was a year of passion. I had a little more free time this year, so I wanted to do things I loved.
First quarter.
"The space between the question and the answer is a place of endless possibilities."
At the beginning of the year, I was working early with the core group of Lebran. We wanted to start off the year right, so we were productive in developing and revamping things for the new year. It was a great start, and we even got a whole bunch of new accounts. It was a busy but good first quarter of the year. But I knew that things were going to change after that, and no one can decide for it except myself.
I wanted to talk to someone, but every time I gather enough nerve to speak up, I start to hold back, thinking that it may not be a good idea. I was afraid that if I share it with someone, my opinion of things might sound different and skewed in other people's point of view. There was this one day of a mentorship program session that I was ready to open it up, but that session was pretty emotional, that I backed out again.
I remember crying during every March session of the Feast. Because of the fact that I was fully aware that things really will change, I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't talk to anyone about it, so I kept coming back to the Feast to discern about it.
After a talk with my mentors and turning over all duties, I left. I spent a good 2 years with the group, and it was time to head someplace else. But I knew I still needed art in my life.
Second quarter.
"Don't give up on your dream just because it's not paying the bills yet, and don't walk away from your job that pays the bills just because you have a dream."
This quarter rekindled my love affair with the theater. At first, I was a little uncertain. But with a new attitude as soon as I walked into that first day of Rehearsal and Performance Techniques workshop class in Tanghalang Pilipino, I knew inhibitions will get me nowhere. With the help of my teachers, Sir Dennis and Aldo, and my fellow workshoppers, I grew more confident in my performances in class, right on until we were onstage for our recital. Instead of barreling through everything like I used to before, I was finally enjoying myself out there onstage, just being in the moment. I was in love again. I was in love again with the theater. I was back where I had left off.
It didn't end there. I went back to making time watching plays in the Virgin Labfest, and I even had a little comeback in the festival, as one of the actors for the staged readings on the Labfest's last day.
I was on a roll. A bunch of us from the workshop even got together again not only for some auditions and one little get-together, but also for the movie musical Ang Larawan, where Sir Dennis got us as actors and crowd directors.
I was known in the office for immediately leaving right away after my shift, but because of the change, I started to spend more time again with my office mates, something I missed. Every other Friday was a fun occasion, lunch with what I secretly call the "Friday group," when I got to bond with my office friends.
Then when Lesley and I got together for dinner with some friends one night, she told me she had read my blog about my workshop experience and invited me for the nth time to join Make Believe. After one full day of training, she put me on their roster of storytellers.
Third quarter.
"Seasons come, seasons go, seasons change, but the lessons remain... Embrace the season you're in, and when it's time to let go, embrace your chance to begin again."
There was a lesson I didn't learn before that God knew I needed to go through again. When that situation happened the first time, I was persistent, I was stubborn, and I thought I was right and had reason to act that crazy. But I wasn't.
I knew I was bound to learn that life lesson sooner or later. Only I had no idea that it would come sooner.
When it comes to matters of the heart, from the moment I become smitten, I tend to overthink. I'd go crazy just thinking. I would overthink so much that I wouldn't know what to do when things just happen. I didn't know how to prepare myself if things won't go as I had expected them to be. Which would be the reason why I did those crazy things in the past. Yes, I can really be a psycho sometimes.
So there I was, with the same feelings I had, in the same situation, but this time involving 2 different people. As much as I wanted things to happen as I expected again, that didn't happen. Duh. But this time I had to learn to deal with it graciously. It was great that I had one friend I could open up to, so I could have someone to talk it out with. But that was it. I still had to deal with this myself.
This time, I had to be more cerebral. I was grateful that these 2 friends of mine are very dear to me, and both very reasonable to talk to, and that helped a lot. I started to learn to detach so I wouldn't do anything psycho again. At one time, I even tried to avoid people, but being the social person and clingy friend that I am, I didn't follow through. But I was glad I learned to detach, and managed to control myself. It helped me when I had to face certain encounters. I knew then that my heart grew stronger, which will help me in future relationships.
I also went back to writing more this quarter. I missed how I used to blog practically everyday. Despite how a dear friend told me to stop tweeting every thought that comes to mind, I hated how I was being restricted. So I compromised. I channeled my energy into writing other things. I did interviews with actors; I exercised my writing by blogging a little more about theater again.
I did more storytelling at this time, but then I was missing certain movement.
So for a while, I took Standard ballroom classes again, this time under a different teacher. Now for some, they may question my loyalty to one group. But I have to disagree on that. Some may say it's a conflict of interest. Please don't take it the wrong way. I'm not trying to be disloyal to anyone. It's the hunger to learn more, to see which lessons and teachings are more suited for me than being bound by just one. Aren't we supposed to be encouraged to learn as much as we can? To spread our wings? It's like learning a new school of acting, learning different techniques. That's it. With all due respect, I appreciate the input, but like some people would always tell me, at the end of the day, it's still my decision. It's not that I'm flushing the lessons I've learned down the toilet or disregarding them. In fact, there's never been a day that I was never grateful, because I learned a lot from before. I still bring these life lessons everywhere I go. But eventually because of that, I detached. I stopped dancing and focused on my other projects, especially since the other events, like storytelling, were going pretty well for me.
"Focus on where you're going, but don't regret where you've been. There are no mistakes, only lessons."
Fourth quarter.
"...Even the dreams you buried the deepest are capable of being resurrected in the grandest ways. Sometimes life requires us to surrender our plans so we can realize our greater purpose, but know this: from the dirt of our buried dreams can rise the most beautiful, unexpected life-restoring flowers of our future. Never doubt or lose hope in the desires of your heart, even when they seem light-years away from coming true."
The last quarter of 2015 was filled with amazing things. I don't know how to describe it, but I just have to say that the flurry of things made it amazing.
First, I was supposed to act for a theater arts student's directing class. I accepted it without question, but then started doubting my decision because of the stress of traveling all the way to the other side of the metro during rush hour. I was about to back out when I was told that certain plans fell through, and they needed to let go of me, so I didn't have to worry about feeling sorry if I had to say that I was backing out of the project.
Almost immediately, my friend Mark messaged me about his ongoing event series called the Ampalaya Monologues, which I had watched a couple of months before. He wanted me to perform one of the monologues that he had written, so I was excited to do it. I was so grateful for Ampalaya Monologues in so many ways, because not only did it give me another avenue to perform (once in October and another in December), but it also helped me conquer my weird case of stage fright. Yes, I still have stage fright, but not while I'm performing in a play. Mine is a different case where I don't like standing in front of an audience (a very receptive one, no less) and having to face them the whole time as I perform. But once I stood there with the microphone, I wore my heart on my sleeve and began to enjoy myself. It felt very liberating for me.
One of the most amazing highlights of the year happened this quarter. And it began just when I started attending the Feast regularly again. After quite some time of sporadic attendance and regrets declining service due to schedules, I said yes. One text from Tony, our head of the actors arm of the Feast Bay Area's events ministry started it, when he was looking for actors to perform for one of the talks. My reply changed it all for me, because I finally said yes to serving at the Feast.
Serving at the Feast as an actor is quite interesting and refreshing. In the span of one day, we would have at least 2 or 3 performances of a skit that goes with the message of the talk. And by the second time, our performances would instantly grow as we got comfortable with the material, especially since we almost never rehearse before the first performance.
After my first time to serve, I immediately gave another yes. This time, to the Kerygma Conference. Not only did I attend the event, but I also served as one of the actors in the production number on the morning of the first day to open the event. During the entire KCON event, starting from the day we had our technical rehearsals until the Grand Feast, I met so many new friends, learned so much from the breakout classes, and I firmly do believe I was blessed so much more than I had expected.
Sometime after the KCON came the realization that I really felt that I had come home. I came back to my first love, the theater. I went back to the Feast. And I had been using that one core gift as service to others. The core gift of the performing arts, something that had taken a backseat for quite a while, and came back fueling me with more fervor than I had ever imagined. Even though I had extinguished its flames once before, it now burns more intensely ever since I had lit it up again.
"...Resurrect those dreams that you buried long ago. Get back in touch with the brazenly optimistic part of yourself that got lost somewhere along the way. Begin to cry out to God about all those dreams you hold nearest and dearest to your heart; then sit back and watch as He finds a way to bring them back to life. A greater plan is at work. On the other side of every Good Friday surrender waits an Easter Sunday celebration."
Mandy Hale also said, "The journey of a single woman is not an easy one, but we welcome the unknown. We embrace our freedom as the gift that it is. We pay our own way, we march to the beat of our own drum, and we ask permission from no one to do so."
I am a single woman. Not just in terms of relationships, but also in being an individual who independently finds her own way. As I stumbled and fell due to certain obstacles, God provided more opportunities for me to come back up again with more spirit. But I didn't do this alone. I wouldn't have made it through the past year without certain people.
My Lebran family, especially Mommy Val and Sir Brando. They shaped me not just in terms of physical wellness, but also in character and spirit. They all helped me become stronger as a person.
My RPT 2015 family, with Sir Dennis and Aldo. They helped me gain back my confidence in performing, even more than I had thought. They saw how I first tentatively dipped my feet in the water until I finally managed to let go and just dive right in.
Lesley and Make Believe Productions. After so many invites that they gave me to join them, they immediately took advantage of the chance when I said I had more free time. I learned how to make magic with children through stories because of them, and finally learned how to host.
Ampalaya Monologues, TAP and Black Table, especially Mark. Through monologues, they had helped me get over my crazy stage fright, even though I was trying not to show it by laughing it off.
My family of servant actors in the Feast Bay Area, especially Tony, Des, Joyce, Em, and Meg. My faith grows stronger as our friendship does. To sum up my blessings of victory because of you guys, I only have to say one thing: You are amazing!
I have to say this again. 2015 was a very good year, full of passion and a lot of other amazing things. I may have lost a bit, but I have gained and learned so much more than I expected. I may have quoted this once before, but it's appropriate for this entry to quote it again.
"I shovel out, and God shovels in, but He has a bigger shovel than I do."
To be thankful for the past, for the life lessons learned, to moving forward and embracing a brand new year for new beginnings and other amazing things in store for us, here's to 2016!
