Chalk it up to experience. And fanning the flames.

The photo above was taken in the lobby of the CCP Little Theater last Friday afternoon. For some reason, that blank wall (which is usually used for artwork and other exhibits) somehow reflects what I'm feeling right then. Not entirely blank, but basically a blank slate.

Well, this had been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Just when I decided to focus on just one line of work (instead of juggling two), I immediately found myself restless. The impulsive sanguine in me led me to a path I had once left behind, due to the simple longing of always having some sort of art in my life.

I had already mentioned this in one of my most recent blog entries, but yes, I returned to the TP workshops.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been spending my evenings in the CCP Conference Room once again for the Rehearsal and Performance Techniques workshop class. This year is the fourth time I'm taking the class, and the third time under Sir Dennis. This is one class I would always keep coming back to, no matter how many times I had said before how challenging it always was for me. I always believe that the learning never stops. Anywhere.

Every time I take Sir Dennis' class (including the Actors Company's script analysis class where they let non-AC scholars join), I always feel excited and anxious at the same time. Excited because I'm sure that I will learn a whole lot, yet anxious because there will always be a bunch of things that I wouldn't understand, or couldn't execute or perform as well as my fellow actors could. But like I always keep saying, every time is always a different class, and I'll say this once more, the learning never ends. There will always come a time, sooner or later, I will finally get what Sir Dennis was trying to get us to understand, and I know how he enjoys our eureka moments during those times of enlightenment or realization.

As I had put in this entry's title, maybe we could chalk it up to experience. There were some things discussed in the class that I couldn't understand before that I could finally get now. Certain inhibitions in performing that I once had are now gone. I learned how to explore things even further, to look for more possible options before narrowing things down instead of just staying in your comfort zone. And it's due to experiences I already had in the past that I'm grateful for, without any regrets. Maybe I just wasn't ready back then. I've grown because I've opened up my mind a little more. I'm even grateful for the fact that I had left theater for a while to explore a completely different world, to return also bringing along most, if not all, the things I had learned from taking that path.

Then there was the talk during today's session at The Feast. As the talk series is about the X-factor, which is basically your core gift, today talked about honing that particular gift. To fan the flames of your passion, as they had said.

There was a question that said, "What is one thing that makes you on fire?"

I thought I had lost it. And now I'm beginning to re-discover it.

I thought I could never improve in performing, especially because there are so many actors who are much more talented than I am. I thought that my thought process was way slower than theirs because they can easily grasp what was told while I would just be a sitting duck with a blank face.

So yeah, maybe I wasn't ready for it then. Let's go back to talking about experience. Like Mads had once told Mommy Val (during a very different situation), maybe because some people are on the 100th page, while the rest are still on the 10th page.

And now I just caught up with the ones who had read faster than I did. And I'm so happy with what's been happening. I get surprisingly flattered with the comments I get during our performances in class, and listen intently on the other notes that I get. Every day provides a new challenge, and as Mommy Val keeps quoting, "You're only as good as your last performance." Set the bar higher. There's always room for improvement.

Rosa said on Facebook that I "look like a fish that found her way back to the ocean." She's right about that. I really now do believe that theater really is essential to my happiness.

I came up to my mentor because I didn't have direction then. Now I'm back to where I had left off, and now I'm putting a little more direction instead of just going with the flow.

Keep the fire burning.

*Class photos courtesy of my TP workshop classmates.

Limbo

It's been about a year since I first attended The Feast at PICC, and in more ways than one, especially the most recent ones, the talks have always been spot on.

This was part of what was written on the front page of yesterday's Feast Bulletin:

When a person doesn't know his core gift, it's like he's living in limbo. Note that limbo is not a bad place. But it should just be a stopover. Not knowing your core gift means it's a place of waiting, wondering, searching, and seeking.

But sooner or later, you stumble upon your place in the world, your spot under the sun, your platform in the universe. You discover what special gift you're supposed to give to the world.

At that point, you step out of limbo. And you step into a little bit of heaven on earth. By that, I don't mean that your problems will disappear. (That's why it's just a "little but of heaven on earth".) Actually, the opposite happens--your problems multiply. Because now, you have to develop and deliver your gift to the world.


But knowing your core gift is an amazing experience.

At my age, I'm still discovering my core gift. A couple of years ago, I was even more uncertain about it because I had no direction. With the help of mentors, I somehow knew what to do, but it was all up to me to take action. I knew that my core gift wasn't the performing art of dance, that's for sure, and found that I had a lot of strength in the the English language.

Even as a kid, I was very good in written communication. It was oral communication that was a challenge. Even with my theater training, I still had a lot of inhibitions when it comes to interacting with certain people. Even though I may be a little used to talking to people, there's still that hint of shyness and intimidation.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I had to decide.

I chose a different path from the one was already taking.

And with that different path, there were some things I had left behind. So in a flash, I once again took the opportunity.

One thing about it was because I haven't done this in quite a long time, it takes a little bit of getting used to again. Just as Sir Dennis had said, it's like riding a bicycle. Because I haven't done practiced this consistently, it takes a while to get used to doing it again. But I'm glad I went back on that metaphorical bicycle. I first thought I'd try it to see if I still have it in me. And I guess I still do.

I may be still in limbo, but I still know I can get out of it sometime soon.

Reviving this blog.

Yes, I'm still alive.

Just when I decided to revive this blog, I saw a couple of friends do the same to theirs. *high five*

So anyway, after almost a year of inactivity, it's high time to go back into this. Why, you may ask, did I stop blogging? Mostly it was because of the lack of time. Once I focused on full-time work with the dance fitness company I was part of, I hardly had time to myself, and during the one rest day I have, I catch up on my sleep.

How anti-climatic that after almost exactly 2 years with the company, I decided to resign for personal reasons. Not to be selfish or anything, but it's really time I have to make time for my own self. But don't get me wrong, nothing bad has happened. It was a huge dilemma on my part as I've invested so much on the company, but I believe that I need to do what I believe is best for me. I've learned a lot in terms of knowing my core gifts, as well as knowing more about myself and my attitude, and I'll still bring this with me wherever I go and end up in.

So I'm back to the good old call center job in the mornings, and because I still need art in my life, I re-enrolled in one of Tanghalang Pilipino's summer workshops this summer, Rehearsal and Performance Techniques. I need to see if I still have it in me.

I'm back.

As Sir Dennis had said last night, it's like riding a bicycle again after a very long time. So yes, you still know how to ride it, but it still takes a while in the beginning to get used to it again.

So back to riding the metaphorical bicycle.