Recent musings. On identity, exploring core gifts and more.

I remember one time during the last week of the Virgin Labfest, when Patsy and I were sitting outside the Conference room, just waiting to watch the staged reading that Tad, Aldo, and Mayen were in, and I shared a thought that came to my mind while I was on my way to CCP that day. Without fail, whenever I come across an old friend from when I used to frequent the place, either because of my involvement in a show, or an involvement with someone, people will always find the opportunity to tease me to that one particular ex-boyfriend. Sometimes no matter what I do, I will always carry the label of "ex-girlfriend" whenever I'm in the area.

To be quite honest, even though I'm totally over it, it's getting really annoying. I mean, don't I have my own identity? Was I just the girlfriend back then? I did work there before, right? I even worked there even before we became an item. Why can't I be know as just that--that I used to work for Labfest and TP? Is it because I'm only memorable as the ex-girlfriend instead of a former ASM or production staff?

I sure wish that I'd be known for something I'm good at. Like... Well, I honestly have no idea, hahaha. Maybe for my recently-improved acting skills (yeah, right)? Or my one-time venture into dancing?

Speaking of dancing, part of me still wants to get back in that. Well, not as much as before. But I just don't want to get rusty.

The other week, I got to go to Dancing Queen in Makati Cinema Square again. Patsy was supposed to have a little ballroom dancing stint at a TV show (which fell through at the last minute) so I wanted to show her some of the dancing that I love. It was actually perfect timing, because Joms, Kim, and some of the other dancers under Sir Leo were there practicing for the national mid-year ranking and competition. It was fun watching them dance around and around that big studio, and it made me miss dancing so much.

It was so funny when Joms offered to dance with me when they were done with simulations. I willingly stood up and he led me in dancing the Bronze syllabus of the slow waltz. A rough start, it took me a few moments to adjust my posture, but after that first two figures, the next ones just came back to me naturally.

That did it. I felt it. I wanted to dance again. Should I take the weekly dance classes they have when it resumes next week? Unfortunately, I don't have my Standard ballroom shoes anymore, so I have to save up for new ones, and I really do prefer a custom-made pair for my feet.

Dancing may not be my core gift, but because it's still something I enjoy doing, I'd still want to keep at it.

While I have yet to discover which one really is my core gift, I've been doing a bit of exploring. I guess this is sort of an improvement for me, because I'm not really much of a risk-taker. The only big risk that I was truly proud of was that venture into dancing, which somehow made me a little braver now.

I suck at auditions. Fear always gets the better of me. Right now, I'm kind of regretting that I didn't take more time reading and memorizing that monologue for that one audition last week, so I ended up flaking out at the very last minute. At least I felt a little better at the audition that followed the next day, even though it was a pretty long shot. I didn't really care. I knew I had no chance of getting any role for that show. I just came to tell myself that I have to stop being so afraid of trying out. And it was already quite an experience just getting to sit inside that room and talk with that director.

I don't have much confidence in singing. But once again, I didn't really want to feel that regret of not trying out, so I went to another audition yesterday where we had to sing. It was comforting that I went there with a familiar face that I could talk to, so I didn't feel as nervous as I should. It was also a relief that I knew and had worked once before with the director, so it was a pretty chill audition when my turn came. We just chatted and laughed, I sang a few bars, and we had another round of laughs before I left. I may not have a great singing voice, but at least I'm making an effort to conquer my fear of auditioning.

I do believe it's about time (and maybe even overdue) to stop hiding in the wings, working as production staff, and start trying and doing what I really want to do.

Well, maybe not all the time. I still kind of have this fear of rejection, hahaha. Oh, stop it, Hogi.

Ah, but I had to say that. As a segue to the next topic, hahaha.

"Dito sa pag-conduct ng random surveys ka talaga masasanay at makakapag-deal with rejection," I once mused one morning in the office. My friend cracked up at this quip and said that it was similar to speed dating.

I have my fair share of rejections. Maybe that's why I'm guarding my heart even more now. I may have that "happy crush" that I enjoy the company of, but I don't think I'd want to deal with another rejection right now. Plus there are so many reasons why I "can't" like him. Sure, maybe those "reasons" may be superficial and I'm just making all them up. But well, I don't know. Maybe I'm just getting confused about what I feel again. Which is why I've been keeping myself silent. If ever he may have an inkling of how I feel because of that one conversation we once had, or if ever he may be reading this, please don't let me know, otherwise I'll be burying myself deep under a rock.

"Naghuhumayskul," I told a friend. Eh ganun eh. Minsan lang ako magkagusto sa tao. I don't want to lose my cool again after all those burns I had last year. Maybe this is just a phase, or because we spend a lot of time together with our friends, and we always have good conversations together.

Really?

I need to figure this out.

OK, musings over.

Writing exercise is over for this post. Let's move forward, shall we?