stress... ranting, crying, and ready to go insane

Tonight was the first time I cried because of so much stress during a production. There were a whole bunch of things that got delayed no matter how much I follow them up. But even if I'm not the one screwing up, it still turns out that way, because I'm partly responsible for it.

The pecking order is so annoying. Bobby doesn't see progress, he nags at Ms Bernice. Because Ms Berns is still in charge of partly everything, she nags at the nags person in the food chain--me. And even though I nag at the next one in line, which are the sponsors, the one who provide, etc, who still ends up as the screw up?

Me. It would appear as if I was the one who didn't deliver. Hay.

No matter how much effort I put into everything, and sure, even though I forget, I still manage to do my part, right? But nope, even if I've done my part, when they haven't seen anything materialize, it still comes out as my fault. Arg.

So today, even though I was in school during the morning working on the next leg of my return, I was still in work mode, thinking of all the things I need to do by the time I get back in the office. Follow up here, follow up there... calling, emailing, and even texting everyone involved. No matter how much I push, we all still have to wait, but of course, there are some people who won't take no for an answer.

Even though I was on my way home, there were several calls, asking where was this, where was that, why isn't that here yet? I'm doing the best I can, okay? That's their schedule, this is the schedule of the others, so I can't do anything about that. I was already anticipating another call even when I got home. "So what's for tomorrow, Hogi???" I enumerate. I hear a chuckle on the other line. I know they're ready to strangle me the moment they see me in person, but that laugh was comforting. At least they're not that mad anymore compared to the last few calls I got. Nagpipigil lang siguro.

When I hung up, I suddenly burst into tears while sitting on the couch, surprising Tad. I hated that I'm beginning to look like such a screwup, a big disappointment. All the stress suddenly poured in. It took me a while to calm down. I was so surprised that this was my very first time to break down during a production. In the past, the closest I can get to this was just being on the verge of tears, but this was the first real thing.

I know someone will ask if I'll be OK. My usual answer is that I wouldn't know, but I'll probably be much better after our opening show.

But what I know is this. I'm not giving up until I finish this whole thing.