Repost: Unsafe and In Pain.

Betty had posted a note in Facebook about our Para hindi mo ito maintindihan experience. I just had to post it here.



Unsafe and In Pain
Postscript to para hindi mo ito maintindihan
Para kina Polar Bear Jenny, Hogi at Opa
By Betty Uy-Regala

In the sacred dining area of the Logico residence where we first bared our breasts, Hogi said in our last meeting/cast party that she blogs so she could remember. Opa and I countered that if they are good memories, there is no need to write them down because they will always be with you. But what we did is too important for me not to write about it.

It is important because it was more than doing a creative work. It was an opportunity to spend time with people I respect and admire. People I love. I will miss Opa’s nakagugulat epiphanic episodes (calm down Opaline, nag-uusap lang tayo) to build on Jenny’s suggestions, and the gentle way Hogi would shyly offer hers.

Ian asked about our process after the two runs at Hubert's Shotlist Productions Office-Bar-Tambayan. We did not have any, I said. We had more chika time than actual work. Ian surmised that it leaned more on improvisation, the same process practiced by the Actors’ Pleygrawnd. Roence invited us to do an all-female performance with the group. YEHES, Ingenue collaborates with AP. Paging Roence.

This was our "process" Ian: we arrive in Jenny’s house, I am usually late. We gather around the dining table to gobble whatever Gina or Jenny cooked for us. We yak a long time over brunch or late lunch regarding local colas, old people, the many wonderful uses of Colgate, other actors, Grotowski, Artaud, juLOgWz SpEeeKh, Stanislavsky, beauty tips, cheter chismis, plans or non-plans for the year. After we’re talked out or when Jenny reminds us of the time, we go up to the second floor to work on the piece.

Our process was informal. But it did not make what we were doing less important. We had a lot of unforgettable moments in the second floor, our acting space.

A long side note: I haven’t heard of JG (I call Grotowski such dahil close kami) until Jenny mentioned him. Most of his insights I have actually done prior to Jenny’s introduction of him. I acted in shows in wet markets for a food company to create disruptions, proving that performance (theatre arts specifically for JG) can occur without a stage, without lights, without costumes, and without a script. Although I had a costume and a script for the UFC project, I realized that you could really perform just about anywhere. Ba naman, palengke ng Tarlac, Laguna at Commonwealth.

JG’s definitions of theatre and acting were deduced by subtraction and sculpting. Theatre is the actor and the audience. Acting is chiseling away of the daily masks that the actor wears. In my interpretation, he is espousing a return to the basics, a return to the pure form. But what is the pure form if all our actions and reactions are learned responses. This is something I am investigating on.

I was also inspired by the GMA 7 raket we did for the network’s Christmas special. We told stories through expressions and movements sans words while Regine Velasquez and the other celebrities sang.

In the midst of these acting projects in the last quarter of last year, I texted Opa saying I am more of an actor now than I am a writer. It feels good to be called an actor. I feel privileged. NAKANA. But acting exacts demands on the actor’s body. So after every shoot, show, and rehearsal, I sleep like the dead.

I told Jenny in one of our many talks that acting happens in the now. You do it in the now. Which makes it a lot like life. Unlike writing where the writer can revise or edit after. I likewise agreed with Ime that a lot of people are better actors than they realize with all the hypocrisies they put on show. I hate hypocrites. Let's be honest about being dishonest people.

I remember one rehearsal when we shared things that are painful to us. Jenny asked Hogi in connection to her part in the performance, which did not sound like someone in pain but more like a kid playing. A kid who was mimicking the sound of an airplane. Before she asked, Jenny told us about that turbulent period of her life in New York which produced the "para hindi mo ito maintindihan" piece. She discovered the many ways of crying. She cried in coughs, shrieks, laughs, and in silences. She cried when she was not crying. Jenny, my grasshopper, an emo girl in NYC.

I shared JG’s scalpel analogy of using the character to cut onto the actor’s core to reveal to the audience his pains, hoping that the audience members would be encouraged to tell something very personal to them, as well, with others. People do not, however, usually risk opening themselves like this because it is unsafe. It makes them vulnerable. It opens them up for pain.

Hogi cried when I reminded her of a former boyfriend who made her run the stretch of Vito Cruz so she could expend her anger and hide her tears from passers-by. Cinematic ang drama ng tao, I swear. I told Hogi that I had always liked him for her because he was the unsafe choice. He was someone who could bring Hogi down because he could take her up just as high.

Another memory I have is when we were in the Logico sala, waiting for Ria before the scheduled photo shoot the following week. I said rehearsals for this short piece were very exhausting to me because I give a lot of myself to the character. After the Shotlist performance, Waise asked how I manage not getting lost in the character or how the character doesn’t stay with me after the performance. Buti naman yo. I replied that maybe because I see her as someone totally different from me though we may have similar experiences.

I share with you guys the most important and mostly unimportant details of my life and I am thankful that you also trust me enough in sharing your secrets with me. I think that is the essence of JG's book, Towards A Poor Theatre: a (painful) story for a (painful) story so we could know each other better. I love the three of you more because I got to know you a little better.

I already miss our rehearsals/chika time. I loved doing "para hindi mo ito maintindihan". I loved performing with you guys. I love you people very much.

I write this with tears. Now Ian, this IS pure emo shit. And okay lang naman.