For Lara... Here's the story.

The day I arrived home in Palawan this past week (Tuesday), I was hoping that Tad would drop by the house to meet my balikbayan aunt and cousins. He had said that he might, but as soon as we arrived in Manila, he texted that he couldn't go anymore because he had class at 3pm (we arrived at around noon).

Then I realized that it was our 28th monthsary that day (January 26), so I greeted him. He replied (using Russell's phone) to greet me back and told me that he forgot. He called late that night, waking up my aunt (who was sleeping in the living room). When I said "I love you," he said that he didn't want to say it because he wasn't sure he loves me anymore. And he just kept talking, saying that he might have fallen out of love with me. I was speechless; part of me thought this was another of his "I just miss you" jokes, and part of me was afraid that it was real. Then he hung up. I texted him that if it was a joke, it wasn't funny. If it was true, I wanted to break up in person, not over the phone.

So we meet up at 11am the following day. He was sitting at the steps of the South entrance. I sat a step lower from him, not touching, not even looking at him (though we were both wearing sunglasses). He once again said that he had fallen out of love, and that it wasn't my fault. It was him that was the problem, not me. For a while, I thought that he has found someone else, considering his Facebook relationship status kept changing. I kept asking him what were the reasons why he fell out of love, but he said that he didn't know yet, which is why we have to break up, to find out what those reasons were. He said na kailangan daw muna niyang mapag-isa, and baka kailangan lang niya na hanapin ako ulit. I told him that I really still want us to stay together, so I could understand all this. But he said that he didn't want us to stay together because it would just hurt me more. It was unfair daw for me to love him with all my heart, while he's not reciprocating the same feelings with the same intensity.

I was crying the whole time, and I still didn't want to touch or look at him. A lot of people were passing by us (including Bong and their Teacher Ana), so I kept my glasses on and covered my face with my hair and my arms. When it was time for him to head to Ana's class, I told him to go ahead. He told me that if I want stick around for a while to settle down, I could head over to the LT lobby, then he went inside the conference room. A few seconds after the door shut, I stood up, and walked in the opposite direction. To the CCP ramp. I ran the incline in frustration, and the wind dried my tears. I was looking for someplace quiet to just sit and cry, and found myself sitting on one of the stone benches behind the Pasinaya sign. I texted Betty, Rosa, Iam and Nicco about the break-up. Betty called me, and Rosa as well, and Nicco kept a conversation through text going for a while. Iam had texted during the evening as she was busy with work.

Betty told me to meet her and Opa at Starbucks in a couple of hours, and I did. I was already cried out, but I kept my sunglasses on while I told them what had happened. We talked a little more, then to help me keep my mind off things, we talked about other stuff and had a few laughs until we had to leave. It touched me deeply how these friends were instantly there for me in whatever way they can when I'm at my lowest.

Thursday night, I couldn't help it. I texted him that I still love him. His harsh reply was "hindi na kita mahal." Ouch. So I sent him a message on Facebook. (I didn't want to send it to his email because there might be too much email alerts coming in that he wouldn't notice).


And I still couldn't sleep that night. Early yesterday morning, I sent him a text... Here's a thought, and a request na rin. Can we go out sa monday? Anywhere you want. A sort of "back to zero/square 1" date. We haven't had a real date since my birthday. Maybe you fell out of love dahil nagsawa ka of us not seeing much of each other. It could be a last date, or a make-or-break thing. If nothing happens, wala talaga. If meron, meron. Please? I really still want to save whatever I can in this relationship.

He replied later that day, and his answer was no. I was persistent, though he kept declining. I even gave me him a call. I know I was being too clingy and pathetic already, but I really don't want to end things bitterly, that's why I was requesting for that one day to be with each other. He said he didn't want to see me kasi masakit pa rin daw. He hung up on me once, but he still took my call when I rang his phone again. He kept telling me to stop it, to stop lowering my pride, but I persisted and said that I will lower my pride if I want to fight for something I want. I wanted to understand what was going on with him. In his anger, he said that one of the reasons why he wanted to break up was that I was boring. So I told him that this one last date will make it up to him, no matter where it will end up. He said he wasn't sure yet about Monday. He wasn't saying yes, but he wasn't saying no either. Then he hung up.

He texted again, asking if we could meet up that very day, as he said that he had a lot to do on Monday. He was skipping rehearsal to meet with me.

We met up at Monumento LRT station. He wanted privacy, so we checked in at Sogo. Nope, we weren't planning to do anything. We just wanted to talk. I was wearing a skirt with pockets, so I can just stuff my hands in them and not try to hold his hand.

Once we were in the small motel room, we sat side by side on the bed, facing the mirror. I was sitting next to him, but we weren't touching. I didn't want to look at him or his reflection in the mirror, so I stared at the floor.

I asked him when it started to happen. He said he started feeling it at the beginning of the year. No matter how much daw ni pilitin niya na ibalik yung nararamdaman niya, wala pa rin daw. His mind says to stay with me, but his heart wasn't beating the same way anymore. I was just sitting there, my tears flowing, and I even asked a couple of times since last night if I sucked at being a girlfriend. He said again that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't suck as a girlfriend. This was the first time both of us loved someone so much in our entire lives, that it equally hurt to be with other like this. We were both crying already, and even though it pained me to see him cry, he still asked me to look at him straight in the eye. There were times that he put his arm around my shoulders but I didn't budge, but when he gave me a firmer touch, I ended up hugging him so tight that I didn't want to let go anymore. Gusto niya muna talaga niyang mapag-isa, and wants to get back that feeling of looking for me again. Gusto niyang bumalik kung kelan alam niya at sigurado na siya na ako na talaga ang para sa kanya. Na kung kelan gusto na niya akong pakasalan (this part made me cry even more). He promised he'd come back, and it's not like he'll be completely gone. He'll just be there, but this time as just a friend. I had stopped crying a little bit, and he gave me a comforting smile with his eyes, so I just said, "Guest mo pa rin ako sa 3 Sisters ha?" That was when I realized that I've already accepted our fate, and that we were both fine with it.

We've both learned a lot during the course of our relationship. And one lesson that we had learned is to not give your whole heart to someone else, as you need to make room to love yourself as well.

Of course, break-up sex isn't so bad after all, hahahaha!

We ended up talking a bit more about other stuff, like we always do. We were back to zero again, as friends when we first met. Syempre chismis lagi ang unang pinag-uusapan. He even said na maraming kumakampi sakin, considering all the wall posts he saw by my friends on my Facebook. Even his mom argued with him about our break-up, even though there were already lots of things going on at their house, so he's temporarily staying over at a friend's house in Novaliches until things blow over. We were both getting hungry, so we walked to the nearby McDonald's for dinner, and continued talking. We sat at a table, facing each other, instead of sitting next to each other like we always did.

I'm happy this way. We ended things on a good note. I still love him, of course, but like he said, if it's meant to be, we'll still end up with each other.